User blog:Jdg98/Season 5B Review

So, everyone. We've finished yet another season of the show we watch because Josh was dumb enough to start a Wiki for it 5 years ago and now we're trapped. This year was far from perfect; in fact, it was a pretty wild ride, containing within it the worst episode in the history of the show… but it also had some of the best, all contained within the season's fabulous second half. Season 5 got off to a strong start but then fucked itself off hard… and then 5b just sort of redeemed it all, didn't it? Was a pretty fun ride, revisiting old characters and plot threads we never thought would get tied up. They even fixed the Camelot fuckery pretty well within the final triad of episodes. Guys… I'm pretty content with Season 5, and I haven't felt this way about Once Upon a Time in such a long time. It's pretty great. As far as milestones go, this is the first review I've written where I'm not writing from the past – like the finale, I'm entirely in the present, so let's get ready to have some fun! Of course, with 5b being actually decent, there's probably gonna be less to make fun of, but meh, unlike Eddy and Adam, I'll try my best. Except not really, because I sooooo cannot be fucked to review a full two-hour episode. As such, this review is simply for Season 5b as a whole, even though the pics are all named for the finale because, well, I changed my mind halfway through. One of y'all do a review and see what a ball ache it can be! Gawd…

My last review was for the show's 100th episode, "Souls of the Departed", which immediately set this half-season off to a nice start, and it ended a little something like this.

"Ohaides."

And from that we got one of the best Big Bads of the entire series. Some may disagree, and I understand; let's face it, 5b is gonna have a lot of deleted scenes with the way Greg Germann talks. He turned what should have been 2 minute scenes into 5 minute scenes with his prolonged speech – even previouslies he featured him overhung by like a good 30 seconds. But I digress, 'cause whispers aside he was pretty fab, and we loved the way he tortured Hook in all the early episodes, such as in 5.13, "Labor of Love", the next chapter in my review's beginning segment:

"Here's a chisel now cut yourself with it." "But I only have one wrist." "Be creative."

What this episode is more notable for, though, is the rebaeing of Snow mofo White! Finally she shed the shackles of Mary Margaret and embraced the arrow-wielding bandit we all initially fell in love with. Of course, that doesn't mean we're really gonna see all that much of a change tbh.

"I wanna be Snow White again." "Awesome does this mean ur gonna grow out ur hair?" "Hm, nahhh." "…" "And he still wants to make babies with me!"

Soz hunni, you're a beard. Now, with Zelena main this season, it's somewhat arguable that 5b became the Oz Arc, Part 2, and episode 5.14, "Devil's Due", really began to address that by delivering a title card which was overly reminiscent of the infamous hanging munchkin.

"Don't cry for me."

Don't worry, we won't. This episode involved having Milah meet everyone except perhaps the two people we'd actually really want her to meet, and then ruding her hard at the end.

"What's dead, gone and green all over?" "Yo momma's gangrenous ass?" "Nope, s'you bitch." *sploosh*

Meanwhile, Belle was pregnant! As revealed by Hades…

"Been watchin' your wife all day." "Daz kinda creepi. Do u have a boner rn?" "Yeh and guess wot." "Wot?" "I have a pregnancy fetish." "So?" "So, I've been watchin' her all day." "Oh…" "Congrats bro, ur sperm's settled."  ~ 

In episode 5.15, "The Brothers Jones", idek what happened and I capped it so that shows how fuckin' boring it was.

"Hi brother." "Hi brother." "Bye brother." "Bye brother."

And that was about the sum of it. Oh but there was some fun stuff with Cruella raping David.

"Is that a roll of quarters or are you just happy to see me?" "It's quarters."

In episode 5.16, "Our Decay", Zelena made her grand return! But Belle, who's a big shipper of Outlaw Queen (in the sense that she views a life with Robin as the worst punishment imaginable for Regina), wasn't too happy about this, especially when Zelena tricked her by pretending to be Mother Superior.

"Hey Belle what are you doing here?" "Here to feed the babies like I do evry damn day u dumb bitch." "Rmmbr? Cos every parent in this town is terrible?" '"Like OMG seriously sooooooo'' terrible." "Once heard Snow say 'ily Neal' to a bag of flour." "Idek I'm pregnant yet but I'm still a better mother dan them." "I mean Zelena dint even stay in town a day after havin her kid." "Clearly not mother material I hope she died in that cyclone." "Bitch…" "It was me the whole time!" "Awks." "Aren't u gonna apologize?" "Would if I was lyin' tbh."

Nah but we all know that Wicked Beauty is where it's at. We need look no further than the hijinks which ensued following their arrival in the Underworld together.

"Okay now you count to 10 while I hide ur baby."

Dat was Bae's DP. :3 This episode was also notable for starting the trend that if you meet in Oz, it only takes five minutes to fall in love with like the first person you meet there.

"Zelena ilysm." "Are you forreal? We've known each other like 30 mins." "Gurl u make my heart sing tho." "B4 I met u I put a pizza in the oven." "It ain't even done yet."

Also, Underworld looks like Storybrooke cos Hades wanted to give Zelena a boner. In episode 5.17, "Her Handsome Hero", Belle got some focus for an hour while Robin was absent, slowly foreshadowing his own death offscreen. Gaston was chasing Rumple with arrows and Belle had like a reli hard time dealing with it all.

"Belle plz don't push me into this." '"I'd rather push you into that''." "What?" "Obai!"

In episode 5.18, "Ruby Slippers", Eddy and Adam were like "full steam ahead with the lesbians amirite?!" but then "hmmm maybe interracial is a step too far?" and so the Red/Dorothy pairing got farted out faster than Sylvia Greene through a door during a tornado.

"Here I go!"

Hehe, get it? Greene. But yeah that fuckery bombshell of 5.11 re'd it's ugly head into 5.18 when we saw Zelena's time in Oz but, like, she barely did shit all. Meanwhile, lesbians lesbians lesbians.

"Pizza ready yet?" "Naw."

Then Snow left to go promote Zootopia and squeeze out another little bugger all 'cause Hook swapped the names on the headstone, which are like a huge thing.

"Well the, um, the penmanship is lovely."

Snow was okay with it; being an elementary teacher, she's used to reading children's handwriting, and in episode 5.19, "Sisters", she had her first absence since Season 2. Wasn't felt all that much but was still sad, and at the same time Zelena redeemed and made amends with both Regina and Cora. Guys, Zelena led a very sad childhood… :/

"I got it so bad." "They let Miranda Sings do my makeup."

Haters Back Off, comin' atcha in 2016! :D Also, Pan meeting Zelena was pretty fapulous.

"Who r u and wot do u want?" "I represent the patriarchy and we want you!"

While Zelena was busy getting rape cultured, Charming got a story with James that was honestly so irrelevant I don't think it even deserves its own pics.

"Y'all ripped me off anyway!"

Then episode 5.20, "Firebird", was a pretty fuckin' flawless entry from the renowned and beloved Jane Espenson – it was also the first proper Emma-centric to feature Jennifer Morrison in the flashbacks while not backstorying someone else, so there's that. Well, actually, we did learn the history of her red leather jacket, which by this point is like a character unto itself, but meh.

"Ooh dis feel nice."

In the present, we just got lots of fapitude. Emma and Hook were confirmed as true love in a way that didn't make me wanna totally hurl…

"Rarest magic of all our asses."

…Hook's goodbye was actually pretty heartbreaking…

"Oh bby u taste so gud!"

…we got an LGBT couple that wasn't a complete and utter fuckoff…

"Gonna go make out @ Granny's, cya."

…Stealthy's appearance was all-round cuteness…

"I'mma make Bashful into Bashedskull."

…Peter Pan was fucked off in a nice creative way…

"You can kill me but I'mma cut a huge fart b4 I go." "Ffs."

…and everyone went home. :D

"Nice knowin' ya', Underworld."

It was though, wasn't it? :) In episode 5.21, "Last Rites", things really got heated and – hallelujah praise the lord – Robin fucking died! OMG it was actually so beautiful!

"Ooh a pretty light." "Aw, man."

To add insult to sweet, sweet injury, the scene was all about Zelena and her redemption, and eventually this happened:

"Solong, muthafucka!" "I prefer pregnant girls anyway!" "Aw, man."

Also, Arthur died.

"Hi there stranger, could you perchance help me?" "Aw, man."

He got to rule the Underworld though as the writers successfully repaired the gaping plotholes left behind by 5a, and also Hook was resurrected.

"So is this a new body or…?" "Nah Zeus' reward was a car freshener for my rotting parts." "Aw, man."

And then… we had the finale. It was pretty great all the way through, beginning with episode 5.22, "Only You", where the episode began with Robin's wake and none of us really cared because we were just so psyched that Sean Maguire was gonna be missing the finale.

"Ohai!"

This ep was pretty fun, with Rumple and Swan Queen chasing Henry down in New York while the leftovers were stuck in some new mystery realm. You see, Henry's decided to destroy magic, because he's a dumb little midget fuck.

"We have to destroy magic!" "For why?" "It's responsible for the start of every new arc." "Isn't that a good thing?" "You weren't here for Frozen."

Can I just mention again how much I love Violet? Like she's just such a little cutie! Glad she's stayin'. :3 Anyway, Swan Queen wasn't about their little brat running amok in such a fuckoff way and so they chased him all the way to the Big Apple; Snow would have gone with them, but she has a phobia of apples ever since the incident, and so instead she had this happen to her:

*vrorrrp*

And all because she wanted to help the 5a leftovers fuck off home. Poor hunni.

"Finally I can take off this wig and Retweet what I want."

Go, Amy Manson, go! Get off of OUaT as fast as you can! You deserve better! Nah but the show has improved, as I've made clear, even though the story that Snow, David, Hook and Zelena all found themselves quite literally trapped in I'm fairly certain wouldn't have turned out any different if it had been four other characters. Like, imagine Granny, Leroy, Archie and Guinevere in that cage… I don't think all that much would differ, cos the whole point was simply introducing the new characters and the new realm, not that that wasn't all fap. And having Zelena there was of course great because she was legit hilarious for the full two hours.

"I don't waste time feelin' blue, bitches." "I'm green, if I was blue I would die."

And so while they were all locked up in a big orgy cage…

Trying anal with David for the first time be like <<

…we go to meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, who we were spoiled for like idk 5 days before the episode aired? Still, they were cute. Well, not really. Mr. Hyde was fantastic, Jekyll was just sort of annoying to look at. In the end Hyde used the Apprentice's wand to steal Belle, who funnily went through a whole episode as a desk ornament.

"Hope ur comfy hun."

And all 'cause Gold was just trying to wake her and then had to chase Henry around like his so done mothers.

"Henry ran away again." "Oh well?"

They ended up in Neal's apartment, which is the only place in New York where anyone ever goes even though who the fuck is even paying for that shit but oh well because Robin had such a fuckoff appearance and just UGHHHH but Regina cuted a little by talking extensively – extensively; have fun, me, recapping that – about the nature of herself. I'll try and whittle it down to the basics though…

"Being good sux."

How'd I do? Lotsa shit happened basically and then we had episode 5.23, "An Untold Story", where the four prisoners were freed and found themselves in the Land of Untold Stories. Like, I never knew they were running so low on realms to visit that they'd make the elusive "Character Limbo" into an actual location, but okay, it was very pretty.

"Do I get an arc then?"

I don't know. I really don't. Except I do, I just don't wanna say it. Unfortunately, despite being free, the four spares were still trapped by the way of Henry succeeding in his mission to destroy magic, meaning no portal could be opened to get his family back.

"Facepalm power!"

Dumb kid used the MacGuffin Grail (which was for some reason in the NYC library along with a bunch of other magic shit) to suck the power out of the MacGuffin Crystal and so he had to get all of New York to believe in order to save his fave peeps!

"Ppl of New York magic is real I ain't even lying!" "What do u want us to do about it?" "Throw away ur hard earned money!"

And they were like, sure, why the fuck not, and just went along with it because, well, this is America, so they were probably worried that the kid was gonna pull a gun on them if they didn't comply. This was after the Dragon returned and did some shit with a flower that seemed pretty pointless but cute that he appeared.

"They paid me in ricecakes."

Why does he have magic in the Land Without Magic? Dk, dc. This was at the same time that Hyde was separating himself from Jekyll and Snow and David realized who they were dealing with.

"Is he called Mr. Hyde cos he hides away?" "Ur observations r so astute bby."

Then when the coins started falling from the sky, Snow was like "well lol they must be wishes" as opposed to "the Merry Men gave these to the poor and they think we're squirrels." #Throwback. But everyone got home nice and safe, except for Belle, who only Rumple gave a shit about. He fucked on over to this new realm and struck a deal with Mr. Hyde, giving him ownership of Storybrooke. I'm guessing that harkens back to 1.01 when it was said that Gold owns the town? Anyway, yeh, it's Hyde's turf now.

"Come meet my friends." "Why they out of frame?" "The casting lady went on strike."

Also Violet's dad was a Yankee because fuck logic, and oh yeah throughout the episode Regina is grappling with the fact that she still has the Evil Queen inside her and so Snow pumps her up with the dwarf heroin to take her mind of things.

"Hope this helps."

However, it had some unusual and trippy side effects and the Evil Queen literally came out of Regina far more easily than she or Emma ever came out of anything. Regina then crushed her heart symbolically, but it kinda failed.

"Lol wot's happened to ur fashion sense?" '''"Lol wot's happened to ur heart?" '''"Oh wait!" *squish*''' "U legit bitch." "Bye, Felicia." '''"Well done Regina!" "Bet that has no consequences!"''' "The Queen is back." "Oop, well fuck."

I hope "The Queen Is Back" is season 6's slogan. But anyway yeah, that was Season 5b, and it was pretty fabulous. Definitely my favorite 11 episode arc, and it left me legitimately excited for Season 6 so… bring it on! :D I probably have more to say but I kinda cba; at least the finale segment was bigger than I expected it to be, so yay! Good tidings to all; hope we are all able to enjoy what's to come. :)