User blog:Jdg98/5.01 - "The Dark Swan" Review

Okay, I think I promised one or two people that I'd do another one of these, and I kinda wanted to do one anyway so I figured, what the hey, I'll just crap one out. Much like Eddy and Adam did when they wrote this episode. First shot fired! Nah, but I actually quite liked it. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, but it certainly was something. And, these days, that's all we can really expect from OUaT, isn't it?

The premiere started in Minneapolis, because apparently the writers just love to situate Emma in a place that starts with "M". Seriously, she's lived in Minnesota, Massachusetts, Maine… it's like they pick the state they're gonna include in her flashbacks with a big American Atlas where the pages are all stuck together and the "M" section is all that's left readable. Or they just really like that letter...

"It's pretty like uh McDonald's."

Seriously though, we live in a world with "M"s and they need to reflect that. Hehe, see how many jokes I've already managed to squeeze out of one letter? We're off to a good start here. In Minneapolis, we're shown a ratchet-looking woman (naht the nurse, that comes later) buying an Apollo candy bar in a movie theatre, and baby Emma spots this from nearby. She's entering with a bunch of kids, but she doesn't look like she's with with them. Nor is there any adult to be seen. Is… is she just going to the theatre alone? At the age of like six? Do Americans just not care if their children get flattened by semis while out alone? Anyway, she heads into the theatre and sees the Apollo bar sticking out this woman's jacket, and what we get here is the first sparks of Rumbelle Emma's thieving habit.

"This is gonna be worth money when Lost comes out."

But that candy bar must've been like fried chicken flavored or something, because the Usher was on it like a hawk. Obviously, I'm not going to call him the Usher because, yeah, it's Merlin. They announced his casting months ago, and we all knew it was gonna be this guy. We didn't know he was gonna talk so weird, but we were aware of his face. And, even if you weren't, you can tell because apparently they like throwing more (pretend) Easter Eggs around this show than the obviously-was-going-to-be-the-Easter-Bunny-if-there-was-a-season-2-or-if-he-got-any-flashbacks-at-all White Rabbit. Merlin does begin with an "M" after all, guys! Daz some 4.11 Marian shit right there.

"Hand it over or I'll knock out the rest of your teeth." ";o"

Also, The Sword in the Stone was playing and they kept flashing between him and cartoon Merlin, so, yeah. Btw why is the theatre so packed for a movie that came out back when Madonna was only going through menopause? And why did Merlin refer to Excalibur as the sword in the stone when those are two totally different swords in Arthurian legend? The point is, one day Emma is going to have the opportunity to pull the sword from the stone, but if she does, bad things will happen. Come to think of it, it could be some bullshit related to her turning dark. Or it refers to the fact that she wielded the Dark One's dagger to become the Dark One and (spoilers!) the dagger is a part of Excalibur? Before he could explain, Merlin got shushed by some prissy white bitch and, since everyone Emma's met in her entire life turns out to be someone super important and magical, I imagine she'll be promoted to the main cast in 5.14.

"I'm Morgana, don't tell." *outta here*

What an amazing theory right there. That, or Merlin ran off cos her daddy owns the rice fields. We then got a title card featuring Granny's in the woods, and I totally thought it was Lynette Sacvo's house and was confused for a good five seconds, til I noticed the lil glowing signs in the windows.

"Idk what you guys are all doing but this is called acting."

That wasn't aimed at you though, Rebecca. You're doin' just fine, hunni! After the teaser, we really got into the main action with a My Little Pony ride across Camelot. King Cutie and his band of ethnic knights soon dismounted, but they were disgruntled to discover that the second most ethnic of the bunch had already beaten them to it. Not that it was a problem because he promptly turned into a pile of glitter.

This unicorn terd is gonna be a super important MacGuffin later.

When Arthur himself was finally able to pull the sword from the stone, he was shocked to discover that it was incomplete. Why? I already said it above somewhere, I ain't repeatin'! Looks like a case of leprosy though. Lol, can you imagine Excalibur when it's complete? This nice straight sword with all that wibbly wavy crap at the end? Needless to say, Arthur was naht happy, nor was he above lying to his peeps back home.

"I'm so sad but I have no way to cut myself over it..."

Originally that caption was "I wouldn't even be able to abort a baby with this shit!", both of them are pretty meh; I'm not on my A-game today, so sue me? Much like Dreamworks will soon be suing ABC for including Princess Fiona on their main cast. See? Meh joke. Moving on, we got a real cool shot where we saw the sword transition into the dagger and then we got a crapfest of a scene that we all blacked out during because it was a sneak peek anyway and thus was irrelevant.

"Our daughter's like dead or summit, should we talk?" "At least we don't gotta bury this one like the baby."

Neal died of starvation, guys. They left him in Granny's after the 4.22 party and they haven't been back since. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure the next scene Neal appears in is actually when they're all in Granny's… could be that that was legitimately when he was found. Emma, meanwhile, was still being panicked over – but only by those who she's shipped with. To make matters worse, when Hook, of all people, was trying to use the dagger to bring Emma back home, Regina was reusing old jokes. I mean, "Guyliner"? Really? We're not allowed one moment of seriousness? Beside, we all know that if Regina wanted to bring the sass then it shoulda gone like this:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not Emma." "…" *i just got here and lol burn*

As soon as it was summated that Emma's not in our world (Robin was in that scene too, btw), we were taken across realms where we saw our favorite blonde get sicked up by a circle on the floor. I'm very happy that the Vault of the Dark One made another appearance, and apparently all that black crap makes your hair look like a geyser full of sperm just went off in it, so, that's new. She soon hears a strange whistling sound and turns around to see… Rumple-mofo-stiltskin!

"But you're in a coma!" "Good to know you're paying more attention than the viewer."

Seriously, he hasn't looked like that since she was in diapers and all she picks up on is the fact that he's awake? As we all suspected, it's not even him – it's a subconscious manifestation of Emma's inner Dark One, here to teach her all about being super evil. Emma is just not about that thug life, though, and essentially told him to fuck the fuck off.

He's also a bigass pig, jfs.

Ha, them being too lazy to design something new for this scene. It's lol, reli. Or at least it would be if it didn't annoy me so damn much. With the declaration by Emma that she'll never be like Gold and hurt the people she loves, we cut to Hook barging into the back room of Gold's shop, followed immediately by Regina. Sigh. The Charmings were there too, but any lines they might have had I'm sure were ad-libbed. The focus of this scene was the death of the Apprentice, who we were all pretty sure was already dead, so, ugh. Also this was a sneak peek scene so yeah, you know the drill. Light and dark, bullshit wand, dead old man, inappropriate Regina jokes, can't do wand, wicked wicked wicked hush. Back in the Enchanted Forest, Emma choked a slut. Need any more info? Here, here's a sub-humourous image with a lil caption next to it:

"Oysters, clams and cockles! Oysters, clams and cockles!" "How much for your little clam?" "Oh no you did not!"

The first scene of act 2 featured Belle

The second scene of act 2 had Regina, Robin and Hook going to Zelena for help getting the wand to work, cos they need her inner darkness or some shit to open a portal to get to Emma. She basically calls Robin bad in bed, which, lol, and because I'm not evil (sorry, wicked (gun))like her, I'll go back and address the aforementioned Belle scene before moving on to the next one:

"Your husband is defo gonna die; maybe take up gardening?"

And that's about the sum of it. Tbh she sooooooo wanted Belle out of that room so that she could spend some time alone with coma Rumple for shifty, evil, ultimate end game big bad purposes. Hmmm… Back in the Enchanted Forest, meanwhile, Emma kept being pestered by the First Evil, which only goes to show that Rumple defo dead. He teaches her how to teleport against her will, which is actually pretty nifty, and she still wants him to fuck the fuck off until he points out a wisp nearby. If she catches it, she can whisper a wish or something and it'll lead her to Merlin, who can reverse her darkness, and also cross realms or something cos there's a 50/50 chance of that happening now every time a new magical item is introduced. Or inanimate item. Wishing Star, anyone?

"Imma get me that flying blob o' CGI poo!"

It's ironic because that's also what Merlin was last season. While we've been away viewing Emma and what she's up to, Zelena's been getting told the whole sordid tale offscreen. This is actually when she calls Robin bad in bed so, yah, I lied earlier. She sees that Regina is toting a new wooden dildo and just can't have her sister having more fun than her, so she takes it for herself.

"This is gonna make so much more impact than Robin."

But she couldn't wield its almighty orgasmic power with that chastity cuff still on her wrist; and, since Regina refuses to take it off, she's left alone without so much as that wand thing's strange shrivelled nutsack to comfort her. Poor bae. :'(

'''No, not you. She killed you. Lol.'''

From one ginger to another, we're taken from Zelena's cell to OUaT's newest ratings stint. Emma is chasing the wisp through the woods when it's caught by none other than Merida, the warrior princess, and let's just be thankful we haven't yet been fed a bunch of puns a la Wicked & Frozen.

"Gonna fight me, eh lassy? That sure would be brave o' you." "I understood 0 of that, but kill yourself."

Because Merida needed the wisp to save her peeps, she was willing to fight Emma fairly for it. Rumple kept just telling Emma to kill the ginge, and, as a BTW, did Rumple have Zoso whispering in his ear like this when he slaughtered all those soldiers in front of Bae in 1x08? I like to think so. Since Emma no wanna go dark, she decides to simply go on a camping trip with Merida to Stone Henge and wait until she's done with the wisp to use it, because sharing is caring. Back in Storybrooke, Henry is blissfully not giving a shit about any of the goings on surrounding his missing mother.

"Emma who even?"

Tbf, he hasn't spoken to her in a good year. Now if Regina had been sucked up, it'd be a whole other story. As it is, only Hook's allowed to be headstrong in the search for the darkened savior, and headstrong he is as he approaches Henry and asks him to help free the Wicked Witch. What can Henry do to help? Who the fuck knows. But he snapped the damn pen so he might as well try to make himself of use. Much like Merida, who's busy chopping down leaves and minor twigs like nobody's business. Seriously, those things would legit be quicker to step on. But this was a good opportunity for Merida to give some exposition on her character. Well, on her character post-Brave © 2012. Turns out, her brother's have been kidnapped and her father is dead – wow, that sure is brave © 2012 of the writers, huh? Ahahahahaha, I'm so funny. This was also seen as an opportunity to slip in a pro-feminist line about how men still don't let women lead in Emma's world.

"I totally hear you, sister! Vote Hilary, amirite?"

It's now that Merida trips over a rock which PFAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA WTF WAS THAT NEEDED?! XD Made me lol tbh, and reminded me of old classics such as Snow tripping in 2.10 to be caught on purpose by Regina. Like, she coulda just been slow? This particular incident of trippage was designed to show how exhausted Merida is, even though a perfectly awake person could just as easily fall backwards over a boulder in their path, but whatever, I'm sure tire is the cause. Or an inner-ear thing. The two of them decide to make camp and ofc Dark Ones don't need to sleep so Emma has a little late night chat with Rumple, who tells her that the wisp can only be used by one person – Merida gots to get dead, yo. And because Emma is talking aloud, Merida hears the entire thing, and it's honestly even funnier seeing her reacting than watching her fall for no reason just 60 seconds prior.

"Oh, haggis…"

Regina uses Henry's birthday for everything apparently, so getting into the under-hospital was super easy. A reference was made to the old Wookiee prisoner gag from 4.22, but Henry never uses the same trick twice, because penguins, and instead decides to pour a steaming cup o' Me all over the breasts of Nurse Ratchet. I read up on her character from OFOTCN today, and she actually sounds cute. The creepy Janitor who I'm sure is a Supporting Character by now casually lets Hook steal some keys as all this goes on, and he proceeds to get himself into Zelena's cell. You know it's super hard to get into tho cos the walls are made of polystyrene.

"Can I fucking help you, [wicked-pun-version-of-Guyliner]?" "Do I gotta pour coffee over your tits too?"

Before he can remove her cuff, he needs to be assured that she's not gonna do anything crazy, so what he does is take a massive continuity slap out of his pocket. Seriously… Regina never gave him a potion, she enchanted his hook with her hand and he went straight to Wonderland; it was made very explicit that he could only take one heart, and even if this whole potion thing did happen, which it didn't, are we expected to believe that he's been lugging it around in his pocket for the last 30 years? Like, even during the whole curse undoing 3.11 thing that changed his clothes? Okey-dokey! Anyway, he tries to remove Zelena's heart and fails because she protected it the same time Lancelot died: a long time ago. Even though Regina removed it in 4.03 when she was Marian. But glamors, amirite? The culmination of this scene is Zelena chopping off her own hand, which becomes the same prop as Hook's own from 4.04, so that she can remove the cuff and reattach it with her now intact magic, before escaping.

"This is gonna feel so much better than that wand…"

This leads to a whole argument between Hook and Regina while Henry, Snow, Charming and Belle (cute?) all watch. Mary Margaret then gives a nonsensical line. "That is what matters" implies that what she's talking about, Zelena's escape, is priority. "But not as much as Emma" nullifies that. What she should have said is "And that matters". Okay, Rena? Okay. Ironic that she then says they have to put their nonsense aside. Regina knows exactly who Zelena would be after, which queues a scene of Robin Hood putting Roland to sleep in Mary Margaret's apartment I think. K? Weird and intrusive tbh. It could just be that he's babysitting Neal, but that's even worse for some reason. Regina comes barging in to warn him about Zelena – but it is Zelena, in disguise, and she takes him hostage!! :O Lol he didn't know when she was Marian. His line about him liking when she's worried about him before he kissed her was also creepy and wrong.

"Wanna go do it on the babies?"

There was then a big meetup in the middle of the street between Regina and co. and Zelena & Robin, who's attached to her hand via wobbly air. Also, LOL cos Belle is hugging her Belle jar the entire time.

"They forgot to edit in my rose. :("

Over the course of this scene, I felt more sorry for Zelena and her plight of being shunned by anyone who ever might have loved her than I've ever felt for Regina during her last self-righteous season and a half. Like seriously. And then, after Zelena has fulfilled summoning the portal, Regina "tricks" her by literally whamming the cuff back on her wrist. In addition, nobody gave two shits if Robin lived or died. They all wanted Regina to just keep the wand so they could save Emma. Some "heroes". Then again, Emma is Emma and Robin is Robin, so that kinda justifies it.

"I still count as Main if I die, ya' sluts!"

Lol he looks so constipated all the time! That right there is a particularly bad strain issue. Meanwhile, Emma returns to camp with some snacks for her and Merida, only Merida's pulled the ol' switcheroo and fucked off, leaving a rock and some twigs in her place.

Still a better character than Robin Hood.

Because this was a total slut move on the part of Scotty, Emma decided it was finally time to bust out the dark magic and transport herself to the stone circle of wispiness. When she gets there, Merida has already used the clump of CGI terd and made her wish or whatever, and Emma ain't happy one bit. After mocking Merida's accent (lol), Rumple tells his new student to rip the bitch's heart out. Back in Storybrooke, the cyclone is coming and everyone gathers at Granny's, including Zelena who's being tied up.

"'Bout to get 50 Shades of Green up in here."

Before they all leave, Leroy and two irrelevant dwarfs barge in – literally the worst two, impo – and whine about never being taken nice places by Snow. She invites them along because, well, who else is gonna take care of baby Neal? Her? I don't think so! In fact, these three are so irrelevant that I'm not even gonna designate a pic/caption to them. Just gonna move on to the next bit.

In the EF, Merida is waiting for Rumple, who she can't hear, to finish his sentence before firing at Emma, who awesomely catches the arrow before it hits her heart. Cutie little villain trait. She does this so much though that it starts to feel like a circus act and eventually she just rips the princess' heart out – Merida's constipated reaction to this convinces me 100% that Robin Hood is her daddy.

"Like a true princess, I am crowning."

It's okay though because before Emma is able to crush it, Hook turns up and stops her. Regina is there too. The rest is just considered rabble. Ofc Mary Margaret is made to look like some massive fat bitch when she tries using the dagger against her own daughter, even though that's clearly the logical thing to do. Like seriously? They were gonna bank on Merida's life whether Emma would choose to go good or bad? They're meant to be heroes; they help like everyone…. wtf?! K tho cos Emma chooses to be good and returns Merida's heart.

"That was me, I totally caused that."

The premiere's final act began with Merida leaving, but not before she gave some convoluted speech about how Emma's darkness helped her overcome her own and now she's not going to properly avenge her father's death and that's a good thing yadda yadda. The point is: she leaves.

*please don't come back*

That's the darkness talking, not me. Emma then goes and talks to her parents and they stupidly hand over the Dark One's dagger because the only way to really make Regina shine is to make the real heroes into morons. Emma then gives it to Regina in a moment so rife with lesbian subtext that even Big Boo from Orange Is the New Black would blush.

"This is basically this show's version of scissoring."

The present day portion of this episode ends with Emma returning to Granny's and then King Arthur, who I'd totally forgotten about until this point, shows up with all his knight sluts, ready to take everyone to Camelot because prophecy or something.

"Free accommodation, rite? Cos the last guy who tried charging me got winded."

6 Weeks Later, our heroes return to Storybrooke with a bang – as well as snazzy new outfits. Sneezy arrives on the scene, now sheriff, and informs them how long they've been gone, meaning they've all lost their memories. Yay! What is it about this show that they believe flashbacks benefit from the person not being able to remember them? Seriously, S1, 3B, 4A all had this formula. They must really like it… Also, they promised no curses this season, so if this is a curse, I'm telling. Dark Swan then arrives and reveals that they all failed to stop her from turning dark. Sneezy sneezes and she's all WTF and short story short another dwarf gets killed off. That's the second dwarf to die within two episodes. True, the first one re'd, but still.

'''RIP Emma's red leather jacket. 2011 – mid-2013 or something.'''

When everyone asks why she's doing this, she says it's because she's the Dark One, and I actually quite enjoyed her portrayal. However, once she fucks off outta there, the camera zooms in on Regina's reaction, and then even harder on Hook's. Ugh! Ruined it. But yeah, cute scene and overall a cute ep. I'm not actually cynical toward Season 5… it looks kinda cute.

"Ohai?"

Lol.