User blog:Renaboss/Farewell Letter, Definitive

I have to go. I have to leave this community, as best as I can. I can't leave my friend-fiction unfinished again and hopefully now that I won't be lurking around in chat I will actually get my recaps here done. But I have to go.

The secret's out, I'm in love with Josh. I have been in love with him for nearly two years. Through both of his personas, the fake Josh and the real Josh we saw in pictures. Through all of the fighting that we have and all of the death wishes. I am in love with him. I am obsessed with him, actually. My life is amazing until I remember that I need the company of someone who lives far away, whom I've only met over the internet, who is a boy, and who treats me like crap, and goes out of his way to make clear to me that I am not good enough to be loved right back. He's only nice to me when he needs to vent out about something, or when he wants to see me naked. Which he has, many, many times. I have stripped naked, showered and masturbated before his eyes, all the while telling myself it was alright, that it was just a fun means of escapism, that life is short and you only live once and we're not harming anyone. But I was harming myself, feeding the illusion that he wanted me too. Not an hour goes by that I don't think about him. It's sick, pathetic, depressing and frustrating. No one I know brings me down the way Josh does, but I'm not whole until I am talking to him. Something nice happens and I wanna tell him. I go to bed and fantasize about being with him, lovely scenarios in which we meet and hang out and enjoy other's company and wind up being blissful together. Lovely things that would never happen. For one, because we live so far away. And to cap that off, because he never forgets to remind me that he thinks I'm disgusting.

I don't connect with anyone in the real world the way I do with you guys. We all came together over our shared interests and aspects. And I've never been drawn to anyone the way I am to Josh. It's gotten to the point where I don't think I could actually be this in love with anyone else. How could it be possible? We have so much in common and the things we don't have in common seem to complement each other. Being in the chatroom with him is both titillating - when he's not there it's just not fun, not complete - and painful.

I'm sure he would argue that I make him feel bad too. Perhaps I do, I'm sure I do actually. The difference is I love him. I really, really love him. And my mean streak comes from a coping mechanism, one that I can't even conceal properly. I am not as good at being bitchy and hurtful as he is, and I'm sure I can't hurt him as much as he does me. I love you, Josh. Get that through your head and stop comparing our behaviors. I am in love with you. So when you hurt me, you really, really hurt me. Are you love with me? I don't think so. I'm just a filthy gypsy who smothers you, breathing down your neck all the time and asking what you're doing. You're right, that's sick and annoying. It's an obsession, one that I need to cut loose. And I am sure that... that me feeling this way about you makes you feel so good. Doesn't it? It gives you power over me. And I'm sure it provides validation. I know you're often not a person with a very high level of self-esteem. Knowing someone likes you this much must be comforting.

I don't know what's gonna happen or what I'm gonna do. I depend on this community so much. I don't wanna go on through lonely nights not having someone to talk to about my favorite shows and to say obscene jokes to. But after I press that publish button I will be too mortified to ever return. Even if you guys try to convince me to, even if you try to ignore the elephant in the room, it'll still be on all your minds, same as it will be on mine.

And Josh, I want you to know I don't actually blame you... I may have been too hard in the previous paragraphs. It's not your fault I got to like you so much. And I was too clingy and needy. But... yeah... I need you. And you always have a way of mocking me and humiliating me and making me feel even more pathetic than I already always do. Great, I'm blaming you again. I'm sorry. It's just, you're great at ignoring me, you're great at not acting like you miss me whenever we fight and I storm out. That's a game I just don't know how to play. I stay away for a few days when I can and as soon as I get back I jump right back into a conversation with you. I try to tell myself, "have some more self-respect", "treat people with the same importance they treat you", and I just can't do it. I can't help myself.

I ask that you all not comment on this - I believe I have disabled comments -, and that you please give me some space. I think some people will stumble upon this and deem it to be a juicy scandal or whatever... I don't wanna hear about it. And I especially don't want to hear any replies from Josh. They'll just make me feel worse. Towards the end of the week, I will delete this blog post, for obvious reasons. Please don't bring it back.

I love you, guys, you know I do. Despite my asinine behavior sometimes - most of which derived from my obvious frustration - I love you all very much. And Josh... I really don't think you could ever understand how much I love you. And how much it pains me. And how much I need to get over it, but don't actually want to. Because what I want is you.

Goodbye, guys. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I am going to miss you greatly.

Love, Rena