User blog:Jdg98/4.01 - "A Tale of Two Sisters" Review

Okay, so I'm writing this opening a few days in advance just to make sure I even know what I'm going to say in this review. That's cool, isn't it? Ain't that cool? You're all looking into the past right now. It's just like what Hook and Emma gone done in the finale except you're reading it and it doesn't involve any cheesy plot devices that abort a whole half-season of development to get into. Nah, I liked the finale… until it led to the Frozen arc, which I'm sure I'll be able to talk about a lot more in-depth once the episode has actually aired, hehe. I wonder if that was a "hehe" line; maybe. Maybe not. But pondering whether certain mannerisms are particularly fitting in certain areas is much more interesting than that season premiere (I assume).

Anyway, I'm gonna give a brief recap of what's been happening since our last reviewer left off because… well… that's what he did and I'm unoriginal. K?

In episode 3.13, "Witch Hunt", we saw the final ever appearance of Michael Coleman as Happy/Whocares (RIP, little dwarf) and were all completely and utterly mesmerized by the terrific, unexpected and utterly splendiferous plot twist that was, and wait for this, because I think hearing it again may just make you have Vietnam-style flashbacks and feel that level of shock all over again… guys… ZELENA IS THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF AURORA'S SPLIT-PERSONALITY DISORDER!

"I'm your sister."

Oh, yeah, that. That clunked, lol. Just as we began to delve into the second half of Season 3 we got yet another villain with a random familial connection to the core characters…

"Do you think if I fly away on a broom and cackle a little they'll become oblivious to the fact that this has SOOOOOO been done before?" "Might as well give it a shot." "Did it work?" "Nope."

In episode 3.14, "The Tower", we got the introduction of the legendary fairytale character Rapunzel wrapped in a Charming-centric wrapped in a strong sense of racism that all the self-righteous "Oncers" were feeling but too ashamed to admit (I got such a bollocking over at STV…).

"… and they've been chasing me ever since. That's why I locked myself in this tower." "Oh well that totally makes— Did you hear that? I better go check it out…" "Is it them?" "Uh-huh." "K-K-Komin' to kill ya'!"

In episode 3.15, "Quiet Minds", OUaT totally ripped off Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 5 and made Glorificustiltskin lock bodies with its son, thus somehow, in a way we still don't particularly understand (dammit, Kalinda…), causing the death of literally the most hated character in the history of the show. Love you, Neal!!

"Emma, you have to separate our bodies. It's literally the only thing that can save the entire town in this totally neat way that people will still be talking about 'til next season!" "Are you sure? I don't wanna, like, mess up the ships or anything…" " Look, we both know that NO ONE ships this, alright? Now pull me out of my father's body so that we can salvage the other set of clothes that keep switching even though they have nothing to do with our physiologies and he can regain his sanity even though I'm in the exact same boat and I'm totally fine but you need to stop that green lady from doing her shit and you know she's serious 'cause she made me die from sticking a key in some ink and then a candle saved that petite Australian girl that no one except my dad knows the name of!" "Okay, Kalinda, this plot makes NO fucking se—" "Look at me! I'm dancin' crazy!"

In episode 3.16, "It's Not Easy Being Green", Neal's funeral took place but everyone had already forgotten that he died from last week whilst Zelena had some light shed on her past and we learned why she keeps making such shitty puns in the present day.

"This isn't the Wild West…" "No, dear… it's the Wicked West!" "Are you kidding?" "No, dear… I'm Wickidding!" "Srsly, Zelena, this is getting kinda old now…" "Alright, dear… keep your Wickhead on!" "This is why you have no friends, Zelena…" "This is why I have no… no… no-no Wicked friends!" "Your sense of humor is what's wicked here, bitch!" "…I don't Wickget it." *facepalm*

In episode 3.17, "The Jolly Roger", Ariel came back… for some reason, but she was actually Zelena in disguise looking to steal Emma's magic! Oh, and Hook got some screen-time.

"Ariel?" "Nope." "Me." "Hasn't… hasn't this been done before?" "Quick, gurl, get back on your broom!"

In episode 3.18, "Bleeding Through", Cora had a centric from beyond the grave… also, Regina and Mary Margaret managed to patch up their relationship after several years even though, let's face it, it was all Regina's fault.

"Remember that time I killed your mom? LOL!" "…" "And when I got your true love killed? OMG classic!" "…" "Even though Cora was going to kill me and my entire family…" "…" "And she was the one who actually killed Daniel…" "…" "Yunno, after she manipulated me, a child? A small child?" "…" "So, tell me about how good it feels to have a totally unblackened heart!" "… You're fat."

In episode 3.19, "A Curious Thing", Charming died. CHARMING FUCKING DIED XD!!!!! Oh, and the curse broke and Henry believed again and Mary Margaret went into labor and we learned the truth behind the new curse and everything seemed like it was about to kick off, BUT CHARMING FUCKING WELL WENT AND DIED LOL!!!!! And then he didn't.

Twist it… '''… Lick it? No…''' … And dunk it! "I'm alive!" "Aw, sweetie… no one cares."

In episode 3.20, "Kansas", the state of Kansas didn't feature at all, but it was mentioned twice, so that's nice. Also, Zelena was defeated and then Rumple proposed to Belle under the promise that he would reform and then gave her a fake dagger and stabbed Zelena as she stood defenceless in her cell, but then she was born again in the form of green smoke and sneaked across town and opened up… THE SET-UP FOR THE FINALE!! Don't worry, no one else knew what the fuck was going on either.

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imag—" *smash* "Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!" "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"

In episode 3.21, "Snow Drifts", 1.03 was made completely redundant after Emma and Hook go back in time and fuck everything up during a Robert Zemeckis rip-off, but before that, Snow and Charming have to settle on what to call their new baby boy.

"We're thinking of calling him… Favorite." "…"

And, finally, in episode 3.22, "There's No Place Like Home", Emma and Hook returned to the present with some new luggage (Marian, yunno, Robin Hood's dead wife… yeah, she ain't so dead no more) but they accidentally made it so a ratings grabber came back with them to Storybrooke. Yup, it's the ultimate Disney cash-whore. Also, the baby's called Neal, Rumbelle got married, and Captain Swan kissed – but who gives a shit about that stuff?!!

"#Dashing through the snow…" "#Coming to steal your show…" "#Elsa, Anna and Kristoff…" "#I'm such a fucking hoe! (Hoe!)"

And that's pretty much it. Okay, so anything written from this point on was actually written on the day the premiere aired. Aaaaaaaaaand we're back in the present! Where's Elsa? Lol, she suuuucks.¬

So, the episode begins with the ending to Titanic where Nobody-Knows-Who-You-Ardo Dicaprio and his wife send away an important message in a bottle, bound the pique the interest of many a Sunday night viewer who, of late, have just given up.

"Do you think I'll finally win an Oscar for this?"

No. You suck. Even good actors, once they become involved in the Frozen arc, start to suck. But we are taken away from the poorly-animated version of Poseidon so that we can see the scene we all saw like a month ago anyway because of Comic-Con and so zoned out. Elsa and Anna – who resembles a manic-depressant – visit their parents' graves where the former tells her sister about a surprise she has for her wedding. Anna points out how surprises tend to be a bit hit-and-miss for their family, which… did not sit right with me. Just the way it was written and delivered. OUaT is gonna just continue writing these Frozen characters, not daring to change them even slightly from the beloved Disney movie which I'm sure is fading from all our hearts by now (just me?), under the impression that they somehow know them. Queue 11 episodes of shitty song puns!

"OMG some snow over there do you like wanna build a snowman or something???" "No, Anna, I think you really just need to let it go."' "Come on, I mean, I know it'll be a bit of a fixer-upper, but this'll be the first time we've done this in, like, forever!" "Yeah… and it's not like the cold ever bothered me anyway…" "Exactly. Also, love is an open door."

Dumb bitches forgot the ice-cutting one that everyone fast-forwards through. Anyway, from this we are finally taken to present day Storybrooke, which is the only place in time and space we were actually interested in seeing when we started watching this (how many of you are regretting hitting the play button? Really?). After a horrendously edited shot of Georgina Haig exiting Zelena's adorable barn, Regina exits the slightly less adorable and probably more skank-scented Granny's Diner. Emma chases her out pretty quickly, which I'm sure fluttered the hearts of every Swan Queen shipper out there used to picking up on random subtexts because they're notta-so-smart enough to realize that their dumb ship holds no sort of validity.

*slight glance* "THEY'RE DOING IT!!!"

So yeah, Emma is sorry for the timing of it all but refuses to apologize for saving a human life, whereas Regina believes time should've been let be and the bitch should've been charred. Robin then comes out, trying to convince his formerly dead wife that Regina's really not that bad once you get to know her, but, strangely, she has doubts. Lol, remember when Regina had a sack put on her head? Anyway, the Queen looked like she was either about to punch or burn her, and then stormed off. Ignoring a season or two of supposed development, Henry and Emma were quick to assume the worst and began praying to Glory that Regina wouldn't slip back into her old ways.

'''"Remember when she used light magic?" "Yeah, that was cool… You get the cuffs, I'll grab the pepper spray."'''

Oh, and I think the Charmings appeared, preceded a few minutes by Ginnifer Goodwin's stomach. They should've just shoved that fat bitch in front of Marshmallow and used her as a human shield. Ha! No, but I love Ginny and I hope she gets well soon (hehe, well). Meanwhile, Grumpy and Sleepy were leaving the party early – obviously to visit the grave of the dearly-departed Happy, may he rest in peace – but a certain someone who shall remain nameless fell asleep at the wheel and caused them to nearly mow down Storybrooke's newest resident… if only they hadn't reached the breaks.

"Beep beep, motherfucker!"

Elsa was shocked because she was sure she had been contracted for at least 9 episodes, and so she ended Act I by trying to get rid of her biggest competition on the supporting portal.

With Grumpy taken care of, Act II begins with Elsa slowly freezing her way down Main Street looking for other supportings to off when she gets distracted by a wedding dress because, well, they needed a flashback transition and couldn’t be bothered to write any sort of dialogue. But anyway, this flashback involves Elizabeth Lail trying to do her best Anna impression but just kind of clunking because… she really just likes that loveable charm given to the Disney version via the adorable Kristen Bell and somewhat decent technology, both of which OUaT is lacking, meaning she just comes across as kind of Autistic-seeming. But hey, what she lacks in… what she lacks, she makes up for in getting dressed super fast because not five seconds after having been given the dress is she sporting the full ensemble, even though I'm sure an outfit so extravagant would've required the help of a second person. Maybe her power is that she has a secret extra pair of hands?

"I build snowmen with them and then have an orgy by myself!"

After Elsa gets upset over what a violating bitch she is for reading someone else's diary, she storms out and takes us to a scene of Mr. Gold and Belle in a graveyard… they really are out of transitions. But in what I thought was a really cute scene, Gold went to Neal's grave and told a little heart whelming story, going on to reveal the fact that he gave Belle a fake dagger. Now, I don't know about you, but the way they worked the camera and the musical accompaniment made me half expect Belle to suddenly be standing behind him when this confession was made. But no. And, in hindsight, I knew she wouldn't. But still, felt like a bitch was lurking.

"She's standing right behind me, isn't she?" "You should stab her."

But when Cole Sear here was quite finished, Robin decided to pay Regina a visit and – with nostrils a-flaring – tell her how it's not her, it's him, and also spouted some crap about how he used to be another man entirely.

"Remember me?"

Gross. Anywho Robin made a vow (before God?) that he would stay with Marian til death did they part, which is kind of tetchy ground at the minute.

"I hope we can still be friends?" "I hope your wife is flame-retardant."

And when he left, her anger provided the title for both 4.05 and 4.08, which gave her an idea… she headed to the hospital and decided to set the way for a whole new Sidney-centric by letting the little Genie go free. But, again, this was released during Comic Con so no one cared, even though they took their sweet time showing his face so it was obviously meant to be some sort of surprise? But hey, he ended an act, good for him. Act III begins with Mr. Gold and Belle starting their honeymoon by squatting.



Indeed. And, when they get inside, Rumple decides to start the wedding night a little early with a little pre-afternoon rape by freezing her to the spot. Nah, I kid. Quite the opposite actually. You see, he's taking his dagger away from her. The fake, anyway. But yeah, after pulling the ol' switcheroo, Rumbelle went and had pretty much one of the only moments in the whole episode I was excited for, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint!

"We've been dancing for quite a few seconds now, maybe it's time for the next scene?"

Oh, right, yes it did. Oh yeah, and there was some gold object that comes up later. Moving swiftly onwards, the Charmings are seen taking a little family stroll wherein Emma is unable to get a hold of Regina, and so Henry suggests that he give her a call and… am I forgetting something, or does he never give her a call? Lol. I think they'd just forgotten Henry was a character so they shoved in a few lines of dialogue for him to say at the last minute. Oh, and he appears to have some sort of Justin Bieber hair swipe going on.

"Wanna be my twin?" "Better that than watch the rest of this shit!"

So once Henry's fucked off to have his off-screen singing career, and Charming's gone to be his manager (it's gonna be a whole spin-off), Emma and Mary Margaret are left to talk about Captain Swan because this show has pretty much been reduced to nothing but ships and fads, and I guess they figured they already had enough fads in this episode. But as soon as they begin talking about it, would you guess who should show up but Hook himself, meaning Ginnifer Goodwin could retire for the day and, I dunno, hopefully she went and did some exercise. Screw the baby. But, just as Emma and Hook get talking, Leroy comes a-screaming that the town is under attack and… I'm sorry, did he say that he and Sleepy woke up in meat lockers? Elsa removed them from their van, found meat lockers, and put them in? Um, what?



…do do, do do do, do do do do do do-do, skeezy cheeses that I can't describe… Sorry, where was I? Oh, right, Emma saw a bogus trail of ice and this served as probably the most reasonable transition of the episode as we were then taken to the perpetrator, in flashback, sat beneath a tree reading her dead parents' diary (I guess she got over the violating bitch thing). And then Anna arrived and there was this whole thing and Misthaven (?) and I blacked out from boredom and back in Storybrooke Emma and Hook followed the ice trail where they very nearly caught a glimpse of the only thing pulling in half the people watching them on their screens now, but instead what they got was a snow monster that looked more realistic in the animated film it came from.

"Does this poor CGI make me look fat?" "Kinda."

But yeah, that ended Act III and we were then taken to what was a pretty accurate live-action representation of the trolls' village from the Disney film… and yet they still made it seem really lame. Anna and Elsa then came tumbling in so that they could ask a question of Grand Pabbie and… and… and… OH, MY GOD!!



Thanks there, Lily. That was literally the most… I don't even know, I just know it's gonna haunt my dreams. Oh, is this where Misthaven is first mentioned? Lol, blanked out again. This episode suuuuucks. Back in the present, Emma and Hook are still faced with Marshmallow who lets free an almighty roar, causing Emma's gun to drop and fire on impact which… I'm pretty sure is impossible. Didn't Bree teach us that was impossible? 10 years ago? Dammit, OUaT… He actually roars a few times before Emma and Hook decide that maybe it'd be best if they ran. Good plan, ormons. And Grumpy be all like "KILLER SNOWMAN! RUUUUN!!!!" which Emma totally rolls her eyes at.

"Mom's friends. So embarrassing.''"

What a "bitca". Speaking of the like, Elsa remains hiding behind some garbage or whatever when the announcement of Rumbelle's wedding blows towards her feet. I'm guessing she remembers the dude who trapped her in an urn and so she sets about finding him, because apparently she can understand addresses and stuff. Or maybe it was the thing about the heritage trail and she wanted to find Anna? Lol, who actually even cares? Meanwhile, Marshmallow is wreaking havoc and people are not happy because they'd much rather have Olaf grace their screens than this big white lump of shit. But he soon pisses off to the forest and walks past Regina's mausoleum as he does so, thus making it so we're allowed to view inside, where Sidney and the Queen be plotting yo. The latter is running through the events of the finale and talks about how the book gave Marian a happy ending because… what? Apparently it's super powerful and determines what happens in life, even though Emma and Hook went back in time and it totally changed. Anya would be here dancing right now had she not got so bored during the episode's run that she fucked off. Sidney goes on to say that he knew there was a reason Regina kept him in prison; how he knew she hadn't just forgotten about him, but, as her expression tells us, she totally did, which begs the question… where was he during the missing year? Well, that doesn't really beg that question, but I've been meaning to ask it and forgot to when I wrote the part about him being freed, so I'm asking it now. Perhaps he remained in Regina's palace dungeon, where Belle was in 2.09? But if Regina had completely forgotten about him, like… who fed him? This show… I need to get Anya back. Wonder where she went…



Yikes. After taking care of dear ol' Essnemma, Regina tells Sidney how "vanilla" Marian is and other stuff and she turns him back into a mirror, because apparently they can look back in time. Why not? We are then shown some stuff that occurred right before 3.21 and… holy fuck am I getting bored of this shit now. How's about I just run over the rest of the scenes to finish this off? Okay.

Elsa is in an alley and sees a bunch of people running and screaming, but then sees the sign for Mr. Gold's shop, even thought she probably doesn't know English writing since her parents' diary and graves were both written in some YOLO language. But moo. I guess she didn't need to know about zip codes and shit.

"I can read?"

In flashback, she goes to see Kristoff about the whereabouts of Anna and talks to her future brother-in-law for what is probably the first time in forever (pun intended; you never seen a hypocrite before?).

"Hey, Karl, have you seen Anna?"

He said he hadn't but he totally had, and a reindeer was in this scene also. Cute. Back in the present, Robin, Marian and a Merry Man are sitting at a campfire when a bunch of Charmings come running their way, warning him about a monster a few feet away that he really should've seen because, logically, it would've walked right past him. Probably another Belle deal.

"Just stab it, already!"

Poor Neal. It's lonely in shippers' hell. Marshmallow soon arrives to scream a little more (yeah, but what's he done lately?) and knock everyone out with ease, except Marian, cos story convenience. Regina then shows up… for some reason (???) and it looks like she's about to leave Marian to die, but then she totally burns the CGI monstrosity with some of her own and all's well that end's well, except for the fact that some Arab hoe is boinking Regina's man (Sidney's a journalist… I see a beheading on the horizon). Further plot convenience kicks in as everyone wakes up at the same time (remember when Marian was unconscious right up until they returned to Storybrooke?) before Swan Queen literally goes up in smoke.

#SeeYaWouldntWannaBeYa

So, with Act… it was either IV or V, but some act has just ended and Emma throws a snowball at a tree to celebrate.

Just imagine that branch is Kalinda…

Then some Captain Swan crap happened and Netflix was mentioned and I still really didn't care. This episode would work great as a lullaby! Oh, but then Swan Queen rose from the ashes – much like Rena – as Blondie had a little chat with Queenie through a door.

'''"Do you think this scene has any sexual overtones?" "No, but give Lily time and she'll find some."'''

The whole conversation about happy endings gives Regina an idea… to find the author of the book and make it so villains get happy endings!! That must've made so much more sense in her head, bless. Ooh, and apparently she needs Sidney's help.

"You were lying when you said it was temporary, weren't you?"

This then prompted Rumple to wake up across town and wave his dagger over the gold box from earlier, thus revealing the hat from Fantasia.

"Oh, so this is Mickey's house we're squatting in."

Yeah, I don't get it either. But who cares because Elsa is back on our screens in the final flashback of the episode where Anna leaves for Misthaven on some big expedition, which is actually the Enchanted Forest.

'"Aren't you two meant to be getting married, like, tomorrow''?" "Who cares, she's wearing her Disney outfit!"'''

And I guess that was Act V that ended earlier cos this is totally the final scene and Elsa freezes the lock of Mr. Gold's shop which causes it to… unlock? Shouldn't that lock it? Also, she saw the sign in day time, why is she waiting till night time to break in. Not like anyone's gonna stop you, just freeze them. Anyway, she enters the shop and finds the necklace that she gave to Anna in like Flashback #2 and then she has her very first line in the present day: "Don't worry, Anna, I will find you."

''FINALLY THAT SHIT IS OVER! I'M OUTTA HERE! DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE! SEE YOU IN HELL, 4.02 THROUGH 11!!''