User blog:Renaboss/3.02 - "Lost Girl" Review

Ok, so, here we are, two weeks into season 3 of Once Upon a Time and two for two reviews. Awesome. I wasn't sure that I wanted to keep this up, because it was a hassle to write the first one as it was, but certain events related to that first review spiked me into churning out a second one. :) I also said last week I refused to watch Game of Thrones, but alas, I've seen the first episode, and liked it. So take everything I ever say with a few grains of salt.

Anyway, this episode was fantastic! I wasn't particularly looking forward to it, I kinda just wanted to skip over this one and get straight to the Tinker Bell episode. Then maybe we coulda skipped over 304 and 305 too (Rumple and Hook, yawn) and get straight to the Ariel episode. But if the episodes I don't really want to see continue to surprise me positively as much as this one did, I'm game. I didn't care for an episode that featured YET ANOTHER Snowing backstory, or no Neal and his crew at all, or a mooshy story about Emma accepting who she really is. But the backstory turned out to be entertaining and visually pretty, Neal and co. weren't missed at all, and the mooshy Emma crap, well, it brought tears to my eyes. Manly tears. Penis tears. But tears.

So, let's move on to the review. Like I said, good show. Good show. And in case you were wondering where Neal was this episode, he was busy teaching Mulan how to make a movie of their own, if you catch my drift, wink wink. And in case you were wondering where Henry was this episode... lol, nobody cares. Also, before we move on to the actual recap/review, well, my first one last week led to a bit of controversy because of its dire content. Too many cuss words, too many sexual references, too obscene a review. So this week, and for all upcoming weeks that I choose to continue this little hobby, I will tone it down a lot. No more cuss words. No more in-your-face sex references. Everything will be mild and kid-friendly.

"You wanna fock?"

The episode starts with Rumple stabbing the ground with his Dark One dagger. No, he's not summoning a pesky Wraith this time, but rather cutting out his own shadow, and damn if that's not an awesome way to start an episode I don't know what is. He tells his shadow to go hide the dagger someplace where even he himself can't find it, and of course that's gonna come back into play some other time.

"Go hide this where the sun don't shine."

As Act I starts, we see the Jolly Roger crew cutting their path through the woods. Regina says they could poof them up the mountain or whatever, and that's true. Yet she doesn't. Cos, they gotta milk 11 episodes out of this. Mary Margaret hands Emma something and the blonde says, "Thanks Mary Margaret." The former teacher who has forgotten she had a dayjob (kids' education be damned, they'll get smarter out on the streets, like she did) tells Emma that she can call her mom. Again, kids who call their parents by their first names are rude. Emma, stop being rude.

"Young lady, you will call me 'mama'. Otherwise, well, you're not too old to get a spanking."

MM has been reading some hardcore parenting books, like Precious. Emma isn't too keen on calling her mom. That's only acceptible when they're dying, or when it's Christmas and she wants something more than a pair of socks. Awkward moment over, Charming almost dies by cutting himself on the thorns that originated the toxin Hook almost killed Rumple with. Hook suggests they go some other way, but Charming, who hasn't been charming since the curse, and who doesn't let himself be led by anyone other than himself - or his wife, who stores his balls in her arrow case - says they're going some other way. And everyone follows the dunce, rather than the skilled pirate who's actually been in Neverland before. Charming, just... just die already. Oh, wait... yeah, the end of the episode... please don't! :(

As they head out in Charming's direction, Emma recounts that she had never heard of Peter Pan as a villain from all the childhood stories, and Hook takes the opportunity to ask what Hook is like in those. Emma says, and I quote (for real this time), "If waxed moustaches and perms are your thing..."

This Captain Hook loves his seamen.

They make it to a cliff with a huge panoramic view of the island, and Hook says the jungle has grown. Regina is a bitch about it, David is a douche about it, and Mary Margaret is incredibly, annoyingly optimistic about it. Hook suggests they have a slumber party.

Back in the fairytale land that was, archive footage. Then, a cameo appearance by Aaron Neville from Breaking Bad. Or is that Revolution? I know Giancarlo plays someone named Aaron Neville on one of those two shows. I think he's been killed off from both. Racist showrunners. Anyway, the Magic Mirror shows Regina that the Prince woke the Princess up, and that they plan on taking back the kingdom. Regina says, and I quote, "We'll see about that..." Hehe. Lana Parrilla is so phenomenal at being deliciously wicked. :) And her English is so good you forget she's a Latina.

"Me llamo es Reina Puta."

Ain't nobody better translate that on Google. Not only is there possibly a swear word in it, I'm pretty sure it's inaccurate. I will not be held accountable by readers being offended. Anyway (I use and abuse this word...), Snow, in a rank wig, gives a speech to the townspeople over at The Enchanted Forest Bronx, speaking ill of their Evil Queen. Everyone agrees with everything she says, until she asks who will stand with her against their foe. Then the crickets are heard chirping, and nothing else. Bunch of poossies. They all then soil their pants when Queen Marie Antoinette shows up, but does not offer them cake. Is that a factually accurate reference? The Evil Drag Queen makes an offer to Snow, but not before tying up and gagging Charming and asking Snow if she's really gonna marry that. Awesum. Getting straight to business, Regina wants Snow to give up her claim to the throne and go live alone in the woods with Charming and the Seven Dwarfs. What a neat (and creepy) little family that would be.

"Please leave kthx." "Go eff yourself." "Go wash your hair."

Burn! Snow is so pissed at this remark she charges at Regina to stab her, but all she does is fall flat on her face and soil her boobs cos the Queen teleports herself to Disneyland. Also, something about an extra being choked. The lines at Disneyland were huge tho, cos Regina comes right back up and threatens to kill one of her subjects a day till she gets what she wants. Then she says the most awesome line: "You may have been a princess, but you will never be a Queen." And the Evil Emmy goes to...!

Back in the present (it's so hard to keep up), Emma can't sleep cos she hears things going bump in the night. She gets up, and only she can hear the crying, like how only a few people could sometimes hear the whispers on the Lost island. Which might mean Emma is doomed to die or something. I don't know, Lost was too confusing for my frail head. Then, this.

"Seriously tho, you wanna have sax?"

Pan says he came to see who he was up against, and hands Emma a map to find Henry that only works if she starts accepting who she really is. The map is blank, and will only reveal itself upon that. Come morning - maybe, I think it's always night in that drab island; are they in Neverland or are they in Scotland? - they all gather around Emma, and try to make sense of the map. I skipped over this cos I can't review every scene with detail. It'd be boring for me, the writer, and it'd be boring for you, the reader. Then, more flashbacks. Snow and her posse of non-poossies gather near a creek to discuss the Queen's offer. Bambi then randomly shows up in the back.

"Hi, I'm looking for my mommy, have you seen her?"

Yikes. I'd hate to be the one to break that news to him. Charming ignores Bambi cos he's way too much more focused on helping Snow make the right call and take back what is rightfully hers. Snow isn't willing to keep on fighting when it might cost the lives of others, but Charming, who doesn't care what happens to uncredited extras, is adamant that they should stand up to the Queen. The Seven Dwarfs, who are very protective of Snow, are suspicious of the Prince being so determined to help Snow get her kingdom back, and think of him as a gold-digger. Which is really cute and fun. Charming then goes to Rumple and asks for something that he might use to help Snow remember and accept who she really is. Rumple isn't in the mood for these shenanigans at the moment, though. This goes on for another scene, later on, I'll just condense it here, Charming asks for a price, and it's over.

"Please leave, it's time for me to go and spill something on the floor so that my devious maid may get on all-fours and wipe it clean."

In the present, Rumple/Gold is still out in the jungle, all by himself (♪ Don't wanna leave... hall by myself!! ♪ Seriously, the singer says "hall", not "all". Wtf?), and someone catches the doll thingy Felix gave him last episode and runs off with it. Gold chases after the hooded bandit, still limping, and is able to catch them and remove the hood, and OMG you'll never believe who is under it!

EHRMAFECKINGGERD NOUAI!!!!

Sadly, it's not acting legend Sir Rocky McAwesomeville, but rather that dumpy Belle, fresh off her shift at Granny's Brothel (I love running gags).

"I've done some things, man! And I've seen some stuff!"

Gold is surprised. We're confused. Belle is happy, apparently. Belle questions Rumple's attire, because that's what bitches do (wink wink at one of our users, wink), and then they almost kiss but Gold, convinced this must be a play on Pan's part or something, starts to choke Belle, and apparently she likes that, because she just keeps on smiling. But right, this is the girl who gets shot in the back and bursts into laughter. Is she always high? Someone should check that girl into rehab. Or an acting class. Anyway, apparently Rumple summoned up a vision of Belle. I'm... I'm getting headaches.

"I can feel your face, which means I can feel other parts o' you!"

Rumple, that... that is neither the place nor the time for that.

In a flash, Charming convinces Snow to trek through the woods to find a magical weapon that will help her defeat Regina, recommended by Rumple.

I don't know, this weapon sure didn't help Carmen Electra.

In the present, Emma tries to make speeches about who she is that border on the Glee ideals yet somehow are better than anything Glee has ever shoved down our throats. Boy, I really hope Ariel sings. :) Emma even accepts that she's the savior, which apparently she didn't wanna do. Reminds me of when I was a kid and people would say I was gifted. I'd get mad and tell them not to call me that, cos it sounded insulting. Now, nobody calls me gifted anymore. Quite the opposite. But enough about me, let's get back to Emma. Or let's not, cos Regina snatches the blank map from Emma's hands, and decides to use magic to get the map to lead them to Pan. David says it's a bad idea, and Hook says he agrees with the prince, and a tender homoerotic moment ensues that now probably has Captain Charming shippers all over the world swooning. Aw, shippers... I detest thee.

"My hook, your butt, party."

Regina enchants the parchment and it starts floating in the air all shiney and everything and they follow it into the woods. It's a cheat, but hey, who doesn't cheat? I always cheated at UNO with my cousins. We all did. Every one of us. So it leveled the field, really. Don't play UNO with a Portuguese. Belle then leads Rumple to the same cliff where Henry and Pan flew off last episode because new sets are expensive. Bellevision asks Rumple why he summoned her, and what he is holding back, and he recounts his daddy issues and explains that the doll was given to him by his papa, who abandoned him. It becomes clear that Rumple is considering doing the same to Henry. The Bellevision, however, sets his goals straight, letting him know he doesn't wanna repeat the same mistakes. Then she goes away because Granny is a tough madam. I gotta say, this whole Belle business left me with a lot of questions in my head, the biggest of which being: what the hell was this bullcrap? But I read an interview with Emilie that says we'll be seeing more of Bellevision and that the reveal of what it is will be good and surprising, so I'm looking forward to that.

The Jolly Roger crew find that the map has halted. They've reached Pan. Mary Margaret tells Emma that she can do this. Sigh... In the flashes, Charming and Snow reach a clearing where they find the Excalibur sword, from the Arthurian legends, trapped in a stone. A sword that should be in the realm of Camelot, which isn't their world. Charming tries to take it, but is unable to. Snow then goes for it, and immediately whips it out. Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship. In the present, Emma and the crew see Henry in the distance, but Henry turns around and reveals to be someone else.

"Yeah, I took the little boy. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?"

Nah, it's just Pan again. He's everywhere. I wonder if those are really Henry's clothes. They must be though, cos in the promo Henry is down to his shirt, no coat and scarf. Yet people joke that he's naked somewhere. Keep up, you perverts! Fuck, my landlords are here again... This is usually something I say in chat. Aw well. The Lost Boys surround the fab five, but of course a bunch of unnamed, uncredited extras are no match for people who actually have names and stories.

"Ahem..."

Yeah, you guys don't count. You had names, but you didn't have much of a story. Anyway, the Lost Boys attack, Hook mentions Rufio but we will never see that character because it belongs to someone else, Charming is scratched by an arrow and Emma almost lynches a bored-looking young man but then doesn't.

"I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!" "Whatever."

Fight ends, everyone clears out. In the flashes, Regina shows up looking very boobalicious to The Enchanted Forest Bronx.

"My boobs deserve guest star billing."

Guest starring Perky Parrilla, Firm Parrilla. Wait, that's not alphabetical. Snow refuses to let go of the throne she doesn't actually sit on, and Regina starts choking Grumpy magically, because he's the only dwarf that matters, and I gotta say, Lee Arenberg is very good at asphixiation noises. Not at all like that hooker girl who was choked to death on my Mexican telenovela. Snow, all riled up with confidence cos of her cool new toy, charges at Regina again. The witch teleports, but Snow, having grown wiser, turns back around and slashes Regina's cheek with the sword when she poofs back up.

"Have you bled yet?"

See? I'm already making Game of Thrones references! Oh, what fun we have. Regina says she'll see Snow on the battlefield, and Snow says she and her eight combatants, seven of which are vertically challenged, will be ready. Regina goes poof again.

Then... holy crap, then. Mary Margaret comes to help Emma with the map. And Emma reveals what she's been holding back. And manly tears. This one, guys, was a good one. Good writing, acting, the whole nine yards. This episode was actually really great when it comes to character depth.

In the flashes, Snow shouts out for Rumple and he shouts right back at her, so that she may know how that feels like. She offers to pay Charming's price instead of him, but Rumple reveals that he didn't actually help the Prince. He then makes her powerful Excalibur disappear because it's fake, purchased at Granny's Toys "Я" Us. That Granny is an entrepreneur. Then, the Dwarfs accept Charming, but Snow bitches to him about having lied to her, but all's well that ends well cos it helped her be who she really is and they kiss and aw. Can we have this Charming in the present too?

In the present, Hook shares some rum with Emma, and I actually, um... I like this scene. I didn't care for shipping Captain Swan, but... I'm actually liking all the build-up they're providing us so far.

"♪ Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum ♪" "Did you just call me a hoe?" "Prove me wrong, sweetcheeks."

Then, Rumplegold tries to dispose of Chucky but it keeps coming back. Then, Emma starts picking up berries and Pan shows up to taunt her summore (don't you hate kids that do that?), and to tell her that in time she won't just feel like an orphan... she will be one. O.O Yikes! Then Charming moves away from the camp to take a look at the gash left in him by the arrow he was earlier shot with, and... it doesn't look too good. Damn. That's a thrilling way to end the episode. I seriously hope Charming in season 3 of Once Upon a Time doesn't turn out to be like Charlie in season 3 of Lost. I complain about him a lot, but I actually like Charming. More than anyone else who's a regular here, even. I don't want him to die. :/

"Damn herpes."

This took forever, no review next week! Lol, who am I kidding... :P