User blog:Renaboss/3.12 - "New York City Serenade" Review

Friends, family, neighbors and Vals, I bring thee, at long last, an all-new review of Once Upon a Time, our favorite guilty pleasure series that doesn't revolve around middle-aged sex addicts living in the suburbs or mentally challenged 30-year-olds who burst into song in the middle of high school halls. Yes, Lost starring Snow White is back, after a long winter hiatus and so much publicity about the new villain that makes you get fed up with her more than excited to see her. And the hashtags... oh my God, the hashtags!... It's not modern. It's not the future. It's just stupid.

I sound cranky already, don't I? I do apologize, the fact of the matter is, I thoroughly enjoyed this episode, I found myself to be on the edge of my seat all through it despite the fact that I was lying on the floor like a dog. Woof. I was asked to do this review by my good friend [insert name here], and, seeing as how I haven't done one of these since episode 3.02 - I have a life, you know? Inside my head... - I figured I should kick things off with a summarized recap of every episode that has aired since that I haven't reviewed, because I know everyone loves a good recap of everything they already know. So here we go.

In episode 3.03, "Quite a Common Fairy", we were introduced to Disney cash-cow Tinker Bell, wonderfully portrayed by New Zealand (I don't know where that is) born actress Rose McIver; I love hearing her speak. In the flashes, Tink tried to connect Regina to her true love (Robin Hood) to no avail. The on-island (tehe) stuff in that ep is far less memorable. Oh, but we got to know that I luv pll luvs Aurora.

"I love you." "But I love penis." "My, my, what a marvellous coincidence."

In episode 3.04, "Nasty Habits", Rumple reunited with Bae, they saved Henry, they lost Henry, and the whole thing was a wash, and Pan embodied another fairytale character.

"This kid just done farted in my face."

It's funny cos it's true.

In episode 3.05, "Good Form", we saw how Killian became a pirate, and Regina went to some extreme lengths to connect with Henry. Snow disagreed with her methods because those bitches get along worse than Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross.

"I am top billed." "I get better stories." "I have a bigger paycheck." "America hates you." "Hi I'm Felicity Huffman and this is beneath me."

In episode 3.06, "Ariel", we met Ariel. D'uh.

"OMG no way what is this my mind is like totally blown like oh mah gaw you got a camera I gotta put this on Instagram hell no have you ever seen such a most splendorous thing?!!" "It's a fork betch chill da fuq down."

In episode 3.07, Belle did her thing, whatever that is.

"I will protect this box with my gross man hands."

Nah I kid she's hot.

In episode 3.08, we got a juicy, mind-blowing, jaw-dropping reveal that was totally made up as the writers went along: Pan is Rumple's father. Also, Henry's parents (all 20 of them) showed up to try and convince him not to give his heart to Pan and come back home with them instead.

"Present me with your case." '''"Um..." "We like you, um..." "Yeah I got nothing."''' "Later!!"

In episode 3.09, they finally did save Henry, and we saw Regina getting the little bugger in flashes.

"I don't care what the entire fandom of this show says, I think you're precious."

In episode 3.10, the Jolly Roger gang returned to Storybrooke, and brought fallen fairy Tink with them to reunite with Mother Booberior, who was a total gem about her former protegé.

"I have been feeling really depressed and suicidal ever since I lost my wings." "Too bad, so sad." "..." "You mad?"

Nah I kid she was a kunt.

In episode 3.11, "Going Home", um... I... I-I don't know. I just... I've watched it and rewatched it. I have read about it online. People have explained it directly to me. I have even already seen the following episode. And I still don't get what happened in this one. I... Dafuq was that shite all about?

"What is going on anyway?" "I dunno, shut up and look pretty."

Meanwhile, in the series' morose spin-off, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, this:

"Cyrus..." "Alice..." "Cyrus." "Alice." "Cyrus!" "Alice!" "Donkey!!"

We're all caught up then. Let's move on to the all-new, uber exciting midseason premiere of OUaT, titled after a Bruce Springsteen song that is kind long and lame. Don't get me wrong, the Boss is cool. "Born to Run", "Dancing in the Dark", dems is my jams. Not "New York City Serenade". Can't like 'em all I guess. Seems like the show's creators are big fans of his, though. I'm sure they make love to "Streets of Philadelphia". Because they are "Born in the USA". I am now tapped out on my knowledge of Bruce Springsteen and you readers have stopped caring and being entertained several sentences ago. Moving on.

We are told by the card that what we're about to see happened one year ago. Usually these subtitles are patronizing, but I think in the case of this episode they are actually quite helpful, albeit still unsightly. We cut to Prince Phillip, who makes an appearance every time England gets a new Queen, rushing off on his horse to meet with his beloved princess, Aurora, who awaits him for a romantic pic-nic. He's late and Aurora bitches about it because we all know pregnant women are kunts. As are non-expecting women. If you have boobs, you're a bitch. If you have moobs, join a freaking gym... She's still pregnant, which is sad, cos there's no health care and a birthing process is probably a death sentence where she lives. A huge purple cloud of magic suddenly appears and Phillip says they need to run for safety, which they do. They take five steps and cower in plain sight. And then they get up to see that Snow White and company are all there, dressed in the get-up they wore in the pilot, and OH MAH GAW RED RIDING HOOD IS THERE OMG FUCKIN' AWESOME!!! This is faked excitement because I've already seen the episode before the review, but I seriously lost it like a fangirl when I noticed she was there. Yet a couple of morons missed her entirely. Trololol.

"Sup? Yeah I was there all the while, you just didn't see me. Like Nikki and Pablo."

Kinda makes no sense that she's there since they didn't edit her into 3.11, but also, where's Boobs and Tink? I guess no point in bringing back the actors if they're not gonna do anything anyway. That's what Granny and the six minor dwarfs are for. The unsung heroes of the show. Snow says they're back, repeat title card (maybe? I don't keep track of that crap), present day with Emma joining Christopher Gorham for dinner. You know, I understand that Christopher Gorham passes for attractive, and he's a fine actor, and actually one of those actors that I've known from TV stuff for a very long time because he was on Buffy, but, he's kinda funky-looking, isn't he? Like an anorexic drug addict. I sugarcoated that. Emma and Gorham (screw his character's name, he's episodic) are an item, and you can hear Captain Swan shippers going crazy, Swanfire shippers going bananas, and EmmaGorham shippers being born because shippers are nonsensical. I. Hate. Shippers. They're the most negative and excruciating thing about this show. Hook shows up and tries to jog Emma's memory again and it feels repetitive and fresh at once, which is acceptable. This reminds me, however: weren't we supposed to see Hook being an oddball in this modern surrounding? Whatever happened to that? Where were the physical comedy involving cars and picking up after dogs, or the whimsical quips about him being a cosplay performer? No? Okay then, maybe next season when they do this crap all over again.

Snowing and Philora catch up, and Regina sways there, and they all decide to go back to Regina's castle, and Regina is coming too, because, well, convenience. After Snow and her posse have departed, Aurora and Phillip converse about a secret they had to keep from our heroes.

"They must never know I showed my willy on Donkey Punch."

Google it if you like penis. I know you do.

Gorham proposes to Emma, which... I... Look, we've all seen the episode, so, let me just get to this point: he's a flying monkey. The guy is a freaking flying monkey. From what we've seen, those furry beasts fly around trying to grab unsuspecting pedestrians with their claws. We saw a monkey communicating with the Wicked Witch at the end and he didn't speak. He spoke in his monkey dialect. Yet, for some reason, a winged monkey has been posing as a fully functional human being for eight months, courting Emma Swan, and even delivering a heartwarming, romantic, elaborate marriage proposal focusing on the tiniest detail about when they first dated: a ring on a sundae plate. What was the purpose of this? Don't get me wrong, the twist, that he was a monkey? Shocking. Awesome. But all in all... wot?

"Is that a banana in your pocket or...?" "Shut it."

Jesus Christ this Emma-Gorham stuff was entertaining and quite interesting to watch the first time around, but now, upon rewatching, yawn. Gorham says some cute lines. Oh, he worked at a furniture shop too. Which... ugh this poses so many slightly important questions that will never ever be answered. Suspension of disbelief, let us all exercize it. Emma asks for some time to think about the proposal. She then comes home to a deeper-voiced Henry, who had been playing his video games. Apparently he has a baby-sitter. He is 12. I... He's 12. He should be baby-sitting, not baby-sat. Just saying. Still, you gotta appreciate the Emma-Henry stuff in this episode, some of it is among the best material they've ever had in the whole series. They're kinda great together as mother and son. I liked the knight line Henry threw in there, which cuts to Prince Charming in a flashback. The Dwarfs are happy to be back because now they don't have to worry about not having Storybrooke names, and Jiminy is a cricket again.

"I'm worried Pongo will eat me now."

Where is Pongo anyway? Bring that dog out of character limbo, we love him. Jiminy informs Grumpy that Storybrooke people are returning to the Enchanted Forest all over the place, so let's pretend that Boobs, Tink and Red (who mysteriously vanishes for the rest of the journey) are with them, along with Cinderella, Ariel, Jefferson, Abigail, Hansel and Gretel, King George, Pongo, the Genie of Agrabah and Anton. Yay written-off characters!! We never did find out where their stories in Storybrooke led, so we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that they're now back to their land of origin.

"Can somebody please feed me?..." "Turns out custody disputes are a bitch." "They never did discharge me from this hospital." "I drowned my baby cos postpartum depression."

Gretel shot her daddy, who had boundary issues and naughty hands, and Hansel is still at large, armed and dangerous. Back to the actual action: Grumpy addresses Charming as his Highness, which barf, and Hook breaks away from the group because again convenience. He is a lone wolf. I'm alright! Nobody worry 'bout me! He takes with him a horse that certainly belongs to someone else. It's what pirates do. No, really. Neal shows up and gets his first lines, and he is hopeful that they can find a way back to Emma and Henry, but he is shooed down... by Emma's parents. What. The. Fuck? Snowing, the embodiment of everlasting hope, are adamant that they will never see Emma again, because there's a million ways to cross between realms but none of them are in the near proximity. You guys... Snow and Charming effing suck as parents. I bet they thought of Emma as a chore. I pity the bun in Snow's oven now, that child will have deep issues.

We get another present day subtitle (...we know, okay? We focking know). Henry goes somewhere, and Emma pretends to be thinking about Gorham when she's really thinking about Hook and what he told her to check out. Another good Emma-Henry scene. Hook's paper leads her to Neal's apartment, where she finds the dreamcatcher and Henry's camera with his name on the strap. I totally thought it was a dog leash when she picked it up. To be fair, Henry is always wandering off, to blow up wells and enter unstable mines and get taken by interracial couples. Putting a collar on that kid would translate to good parenting. If he goes one day without having to be rescued, he gets a Scooby snack.

Hook meets with Emma at a park and offers her a drink to jog her memory. She handcuffs him. Don't ask.

Back in the fairytale forest, Belle is surprisingly upbeat even though it's been five minutes since Rumple died. She makes a valid point about how we didn't see Rumple's knife (not sure if I'd noticed that before) and therefore there might still be a chance that he gets back to them. Not sure how that would happen without Pan returning as well, but as I have previously established I understood nothing of what happened in the winter finale, so I'll just wait and see and keep my mouth (mostly) shut. By the way, this is the heartwarming Bae/Belle moment that was teased to us. This bland crap. They really cater to the audiences, don't they?

"Blah." "Bleh blih bloh." "I feel so close to you right now, son."

Snow reminisces about her castle and longs to return but then Grumpy points out that the Queen is missing. Snow tracks her down, to find her burying her own heart in the woods, trying to overcome the pain of losing Henry, which is actually a very sharp moment, in accordance with OUaT mythology. Snow delivers a feel-good speech about how Regina needing her heart to feel love or some basic nonsensical ramble. I expected her to say having the heart would give her hope, but she didn't. What she did say, honestly, was illogical to me.

"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you, I know you were right, believing for so long." "You're just grasping at straws with your speeches nowadays, aren't you?"

Regina says they should get back to their castle, and she really does say "our castle", which is an aw moment for me and I think every fan that pays attention. The scenes shared between these two that were teased to us were amongst the things I looked the most forward to in this second half, along with Aurora's return and... anything that isn't black Rapunzel. And this episode really delivers on the Snow Queen front. That's a terrible ship name because there is an actual Snow Queen fairytale character who's pretty nasty, even though Disney gave her a name and made her relatable. I presume, I haven't seen the movie yet. The Regina/Snow stuff might seem a bit unbelievable since they were mortal enemies, but I don't care, I'll take all of it like the little fangirl I am. The two of them are attacked by a Christopher Gorham, who almost takes Regina with it, but I guess that wasn't the intention anyway, for we learn in the end it just needed her blood. Robin Hood shoots it with an arrow and here it is, the moment every actual fangirl has been waiting for since 3.03, Regina and Robin meet face-to-face. Love at first sight.

"Why do winged monkeys... suddenly appear... everytime... you are near?"

Emma buys Henry an Apollo candy bar, because, yay Lost reference, but also, is that the only chocolate in their universe? Is it cos they're poor? Can they only afford Apollo? I bet it tastes like plastic. Emma and Henry are so great together... They part ways and Emma checks out the contents of a bag from a drugstore. I read the word "drug" and thought she had Hook's liquid and had it tested for drugs. I don't know why my mind thinks things. Turns out she just had the pictures in Henry's leashed camera revealed, and they showcase moments that she can't remember.

"Wooo lord how high was I?!"

Emma bails Hook out of jail because that's what she does and they talk about the pics. He pushes his bottle of mojo jojo again and she takes it despite knowing it will shatter the life she has built for herself. Which, again: would the monkey marry her and live with her for the rest of their days just so long as it kept her out of Storybrooke? That's what you call commitment. And I can't even commit to my recaps on this wiki. Emma drinks it, and remembers everything, from meeting Henry, to meeting Regina, to meeting Maleficent, to meeting a Wraith. Everyone important in Emma's life, she remembered them.

Bae and Robin reunite, and Belle is happy to see Robin again, because she once saved him and everything. Except, not really.

"Your face and hair color have changed greatly." "You're just fatter."

Girl likes her hamburgers, don't hate on her. Also, how did Belle get a wardrobe change? She wore the iconic Disney yellow dress in the teaser, now it's a blue dress we've never seen her wearing before. Did Aurora lend it to her because we all know Disney princesses are BFFs and have tea parties and giggle and compare their princes' peen sizes? Robin says Belle was once nicer to him than he deserved and Bae comments that she does that a lot. He would know cos of the five seconds he's spent in her company. She has it written on her forehead, "Belle do-gooder". Meanwhile, Snow and Regina small talk about Robin, and it's precious. Then Regina says the line about him smelling like forest that has been over overly and overtly teased because it is oh so hilarious except wait a minute. Okay, so this show isn't a comedy, comedy isn't even one of its sub-genres, and surely I would've chuckled if the line hadn't been spoiled, but... I can't help but think the show's writers are really awkward at telling anecdotes.

"Ok so a jew and a gypsy and a negro walk into a bar..."

The gang makes it to the site of the castle and can tell that something is off although visually I couldn't pick up on anything until Regina revealed that there is a cloaking spell over it, one she didn't cast herself. So someone powerful and adept at green-colored magic has taken over the castle. Regina refers to it as "our castle" again and it's both awww-inducing and awkward. Robin Hood offers the peeps refuge, and we cut to Hook telling Emma that Snow and the Queen have settled their differences. I like this. Emma pours him a drink, and he explains that he was sent a message telling him about a new curse bringing them back to Storybrooke. Gorham shows up, and Emma decides to break him down gently.

"It's not you, it's my vibrator. No one can hold a candle to it."

She tells him she has to go home to take care of business, even though she said before she was an orphan. She says she wishes he could see things the way she does. He says she wishes she hadn't drank that potion. Which :O :O :O!!! This was shocking. Truly. He goes all berzerk, throwing furniture around like he's Zach Young, and then jumps over her and overboard because yeah take that. Then he comes back up as a winged monkey and Emma hits him with a thing and he falls overboard again to his poofing disappearance because he forgets he flies. Oy. Hook shows up too late, and Emma is sad that she's been duped, but also quick to accept it because only the weak weep. The morning after, Emma asks Henry if he believes in magic, which we can tell he doesn't, which is sad. The truest believer is now a skeptic. Emma tells him there'll be no school that day, for she has a new case in Maine. Henry is sold because of the no school factor, which, by the way, that kid is never in school... And Mary Margaret doesn't teach anymore. Screw education and discipline, Henry can just be an illiterate white knight. Emma brings Hook into the scene again and the three of them return to Storybrooke. Emma goes right back to reuniting with her parents, and we realize that they haven't contacted her yet because as far as they're concerned it's been like a day, even though they know a year has been wiped from their memories. Emma asks how he knows this, and cue Mary Margaret's entrance. She hugs her daughter, and the camera shows us she's super fat.

"For all I know Dopey's the father." "You know I hate it when you call me that..."

Flash back to a year before, and we are introduced to Princess Fiona, talking to her pet monkey, and I don't like hearing her talk... I usually like non-American accents on this show, but I'm not feeling Charlotte's. Also the music gets so loud when she says "Wicked always wins", kinda kills it. And yes, there it is, "Wicked always wins", the phrase they've been hitting us over the head for months now in the interviews, along with "#WickedIsComing". A phrase that doesn't even make much sense when you think about it. Sure, Wicked stands for Wicked Witch, the iconic character, we all know that, but, it's an adjective, all by itself. Try replacing it with other words in the same category. "Fat is coming." "Horny is coming." See? Lol, horny coming. I'm so funny even when I don't mean to be. Tehe me.

Anyway, this was a really good episode, and I'm very excited about the next one. Not the next next one cos ew black. For the rest of the season, I hope we don't get a contrived backstory for the Witch, which I'm sure we will, I hope to see more of Aurora and that she's in Storybrooke too, perhaps named Briar Rose (why not?), and I hope the flashbacks are fun and important. They have pushed the reset button with this storytelling method by enabling a one-year pool from which to take stories, they better use it wisely. I have only now realized that upcoming characters such as Rapunzel, Blackbeard and Lumière might be featured in that timespan, and if so, I'm excited.

Thanks for reading, all you three lovely people, and here's hoping I have what it takes to keep reviewing. o/