User blog:Jdg98/5.11 - "Swan Song" Review

So like, I've decided to review this episode, mainly because I like to do that thing where I run through each episode that's aired between my current and most recent review, and I don't want to be running through the shit fest of S5A during my 100th episode review, which I'm sooooo doing; and besides, I have my own special plan for that which I suppose y'all have to look forward to. Lol though at that reasoning because this ep I'm reviewing right now (from the past, mind you, as always) is actually the 100th… but semantics, amirite?

Anyway, let's dive right in with 5.02, "The Price", which was quite a strong continuation for the Camelot arc – the Camelot arc – but the Storybrooke shit? Yeah that made absolutely no sense.

"I must pay the price of magic!" "We won't let you die alone, Regina!" "Hey look, we defeated the Fury." "How?" "Did we all just lose like 10 years from our lives? Cos dwarfs don't live that long as it is... We're born 40." "Wait a minute, I'm evil, why TF did I help…?"

But credit where credit is due, everybody got a nice bit a focus, even dear ol' Belle, who walked around in 5.01 like an Avox. In 5.02 though?

"Grumpy I'm sad will you comfort me?" "Depends. Do they have condoms in Camelot?"

Aaaaaaaand that's how Emilie got pregnant. Moving on…

In episode 5.03, "Siege Perilous", not only did the Dark Swan swap out her sexy new modern clothes for that disgusting leather… thing… *shudder*… but we also got the budding bromance of Arthur and David, which felt entirely natural because Jane was the one writing it, and she's above God.

"You know I totally saw you checking out that guy Hook earlier." "What? Don't be ridiculous. I would never—" "All that tight leather really does it for me too." "Brother…"

Also there was some bullshit about a magic mushroom, apparently leftover from the spin-off's prop department.

"OMG that's like totally my handwriting that question mark right there I did that."

Yeah, no one would be able to tell, is my point. In episode 5.04, "The Broken Kingdom", OUaT took a daring move in making it so that the only actual PD action took place at the end, with the entire episode being comprised of two sets of flashbacks, sparking endless debates about centrics and completely ROBBING my bae Snow White of what was clearly supposed to be her M6W story.

"I think this is Arthur's episode!" "Well I think it's Lancelot's!" "Arthur feels more relevant to the stories at hand!" "Is that you talking, or your penis?" "…" "BTW since we're talking about hands and penises, why did I find a lewd sketch of Hook underneath your pillow this morning?" "… I want a divorce."

Ah, Captain Charming. It really is the male version of Swan Queen, but better because its fans don't eat you alive. Rmmbr Kyle Gypsy or whatever? Lol, he turned out to be ratchet. Also in 5.04:

"This sand is made of rape culture."

In episode 5.05, "Dreamcatcher", we saw a whole bunch of, you guessed it, dreamcatchers! Yes, it's quite cute that that's what Emma does instead of spinning, but beyond that her use of them is such wot. And we all know it was just an excuse to make her able to watch Regina's most heartbreaking moment.

"Oh dear Regina this is heartbreaking I cannot believe u went thru this grab my boob maybe?" "If only there was enough in the budget for me to hear Daniel's voice…"

Lol, they cut out Noah Bean's lines. Probably to make room for more terrible dialogue. Meanwhile, Henry tried to date.

"It's like a carnival in a can!" "Bby wait til we get to dessert."

Can you guess which one was the actual line? In the present, without a day having gone by since the end of 5.03, Belle dressed as a lime. Why? We'll never know.

*Costume change* *Hugs self*

Those two things are equal to me, and I think we all know how I feel about the other thing.

In episode 5.06, "The Bear and the Bow", Belle re-bae'd herself but… nobody cared. I mean, I did, but outside of our niche little community all people were talking about were Merida and Gold. Tbh rmmbr tho when Merida was Rumple's mother Evanna? Good times. But yeah, the Dark Swan took a hit out on Gold's woman, and chaos ensued.

"I never miss!" "Bitch you said that the last twenty times and I ain't dead yet."

In flashbacks, Merida's wig totally move when she scratched her head, but more notably Belle set that ginger slag up to die by switching her potion with water.

"JS no one knocks me out and lives to tell about it."


 * 1) BadassBelle. Nah but this was her arbitrary spotlight for the pure fact that she is a mainie. Still, a good ep filled with a myriad of Scottishness.

In episode 5.07, "Nimue", we met Nimue, the first Dark One, and a lot of the Dark One mythology was uncovered.

"You must go to the Vault of the Dark One where the first Dark One was created." "Tomorrow we go to the Flame of Prometheus where the first Dark One was created." "You killed the only woman I ever loved, Guy Fauchon!" "Ohai." "Good thing you became Sorcerer millennia ago." .

Then again tho, then again tho, THEN AGAIN THO!!!

"There's no rest for the Wicked."

Oh Jane hunni, you make me so hot and bothered. Unfortunately you didn't write the next episode, which I bet you woulda made Zelena-centric. In episode 5.08, "Birth", a new Dark One was born, the Dark Swan was born, a huge plot contrivance was born, OH AND ZELENA'S FUCKING BABY WAS BORN.

"Hunni everyone knows the one stealing the baby gets centric."

Yah like 3.20. Also, Hook's neck got raped by a blade, Charming got jealous, events transpired, and he became the new Dark One in Camelot!

"Wait but I've been able to sleep just fine. If I'm a Dark One then how come—?" "Semantics!" "What? That doesn't—" "LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN CLUES GAWD!"

YEAH GUYS RMMBR THAT TIME THAT HOOK SAID THAT THING ABOUT THE STUFF IT WAS TOTALLY FORESHADOWING HIM BECOMING THE DARK ONE, also rape culture.

In episode 5.09, "The Bear King", we got 41 minutes of pure filler. Buuuuuut Ruby's flashback tho…

"When was the last time we shared screentime? S2? S1?... "…I'm really gonna miss you, Rudy."

Also there was a whole lot of ginger.

"77% of this picture is wig."

And Zelena was pretty damn bae, as per usual.

"IDK why I'm using a cauldron, I could just suffocate u wi'my cleavage."

In episode 5.10, "Broken Heart", we got a fuck load of last minute plot contrivances.

"Oh yeah, this." "Oh yeah, that." "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

And then Belle broke Rumple's heart, which none of us can decide whether or not was the right or wrong thing to do. But she did it, and she wore pink.

"Remember that time that I dressed like a lime? Well I did it for you and I feel like you weren't supportive enough of my drastic wardrobe change I honestly just do not need that in my lyf tbh ngl js." "But it was so ugly…"

And then Hook resurrected some Dark Ones, and that's pretty much where we're at in life. Meanwhile…

"Feed… me…"

Bitch you ain't s'posed tuh talk! And on with the review:

In episode 5.11, "Swan Song"… okay, let's face it, this episode wasn't a swansong in any sense of the phrase; if anything it was fucking "Hook Song" and I'm just not okay with that, for starters. Immediately what we got given in the form of the first flashback was utter shit. The way they added that sleep in the middle made it disjointed and horrible, and the actual dialogue between Hook and his father went on forever while at the same time remaining entirely needless and stilted throughout. And tbh I think the kid who played Liam… also played Liam, but I'd have to really look, which I don't wanna do.

"What kind of man do you want to be son?" "Not Colin O'Donoghue, that's for sure. Seen the dead-end job he's stuck in?"

Basically this scene was to give us the mantra which would be repeated throughout the entirety of the ep, again needlessly and completely and utterly tirelessly (everyone in the world uses the exact same phrasing tbh that's how OUaT works), of what sort of man you are/want to be, and also being braver than you think or whatever. However, Brennan (can we just make his page Davy? Was never said) sold his sons to a creepy old man, so I guess his bravery was a bit lacking.

"I'm gonna make mincemeat of your poop decks."

The next scene was a sneak peek, so I didn't care.

The next scene was also a sneak peek, so I continued not to care, and it just gave me a real sour outlook that I would continue to hold against the ep as it went on. But really these scenes were not such good to start with. Yes, they addressed the whole Dopey thing, but no steps were made to actually fix it. Also something about Hook getting his revenge which I am SOOOOO sick of hearing about. But ultimately the teaser (finally) ended on Emma saying:

"We need to split up." "Bitch did you never see Scream?"

What we got post-teaser was utter ridiculousness in its purest form. Wait, I'm getting a little ahead of myself. What we got first was Zelena asking for her baby back, but Regina and Robin saying no, with no one bringing up the fact that, of the baby's three guardians, all of whom were in this scene, none of them are actually watching her. Where she is? Fuck knows. Probably being used as a bottle opener by Mother Superior. But, like a certain other raucous ginger who's spread her way across Twitter since last night, Zelena came to throw shade at her daughter's neglectful co-parents.

"No way I'm leaving my baby to you people… "You'll teach it that it's ok to slaughter dozens as long as you say you've changed… "And you'll teach her that that haircut is somehow acceptable."

But back to the ridiculousness. The reason Zelena felt so confident that she'd be able to take her daughter without any qualms is because the Dark Ones were roaming Storybrooke, and they were looking to "mark" people so as to return to the land of the living. Now, there was absolutely no indication that they froze you to the spot when they walked through you. None at all. If that was the case, they'd have made a point of showing their victims struggling to move. No, instead, our characters just acted all scared when the cloaked figures were like SIX FUCKING FEET AWAY and didn't think to, oh, IDK, maybe fucking MOVE OUT THE WAY?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!! Oh, my actual bejeezus they all had so much time to run from those shits… they… they… they all deserve to go to hell, tbh. Ngl.

"OMG OMG no no no" "Comin' for you" "OMG OMG no no no" "Still comin' for you" "OMG OMG no no no" "You are gonna be so dead in like a second" "OMG OMG no no no" "Maybe a minute or so" "OMG OMG no no no" "Coulda spent this time on Merida lol" "……………" *whoosh* "There we fucking go."

I'm guessing these were targeted attacks, considering Peter Peter and YOLOs of the like weren't marked, just the heroes we know and (used to) love. Gold explained to them all that this meant they were gonna get dragged to the Underworld, which we as audience members were totally zen about.

"Well that will save time getting to 5b."

After another needless shot of all dem cloaked hoes walking the streets, Regina approached Hook at the docks and began talking about a flashback story which is totally nonsensical. Oh, but they managed to cover the fact that they'd never mentioned it before by making it an actual THING that they said they've never speak of it again. HA! Lazy ass fucking writers.

"Remember that time we did that thing with the stuff?" "How dare u that is very personal to me and what actually happened again?"

But it's okay honeys because after Hook choked Regina a little – RAPE CULTURE!!! – we actually got shown the nonsensical backstory in the now unfamiliar BTC flashback. I mean, seriously, there's NO place in 2.09 that this could slot into. Unless you say that when Regina opened the portal with the hat she as simply SHOWING Hook how it worked? Claude tho… ig he was just left rotting for fucking days. God this made no sense. But anyway, the Evil Queen approached Hook in a reused costume from 3.02 and said she had a li'l test for him.

"I need you to tell me if this costume makes me face look fat." "Do you really need me to tell you that?"

Seriously though there was something about these flashbacks that made Regina look like she was taking after her stepdaughter. I suppose that's where Henry got it from back in Season 2. Not that it matters because this flashback lasted about 2 seconds, as do about half the others. OMG THIS TIME COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT ON CAMELOT HOOK'S NOT EVEN DEAD SO HIS STORY DOESN'T NEED TELLING LAST MINUTE OMG OMG OMG THIS COULD HAVE BEEN NON-CENTRIC but I'm not fretting about it because I'm not a hateful person. Btw, I HATED the next scene. Oops?

"Forgot I had this baby. Gonna go feed it b4 we all die."

Oh but she couldn't WAIT to pawn that thing off an Emma once the prospect of her biting the dust came up. Once all the Charmings filed out one by one, sans Emma, Regina barged in, because apparently Henry isn't too concerned with spending his final moments with either parent? But yeah, she heard Emma planned on sacrificing herself to destroy the darkness, and she was none too happy.

"Didn't that dye job already destroy you enough?"

Across town, Belle was seen entering Gold's shop after having received a message to come, and apparently on the way she didn't see the myriad of cloaks and daggers making their way across through town? How she avoided getting marked, let alone even seeing one of them, is beyond me, let alone further still how Gold didn't even account for that MAYBE happening and ruining this whole bullshit plan thing he's about to do… Anyway, we were right when we said Belle was going to leave town to go see the world, we just didn't think that it'd be in Act 3 (or that she'd fucking re later).

"You should see the world." "You should see my vagina before this baby impounds it."

Said Emilie.

Did we see a tree at the town line when she drove away? If so then #DopeyAppearance tbh, ha. Swan Queen proceeded to troll their way into the shop, with the latter half of their moniker being afraid that all her murder victims rip the shit out of her in Hell, which, tbh, they fucking should, but whatever because she's changed right? Gold then happily handed over Excalibur in what was actually a nice scene which got ruined by the added context of the episode's ending scenes. Le sigh. Isn't Gold meant to be a hero in this form? Guess not.

"Thank you Gold, you reli have changed." *Lol, this is reli gonna fuck her over*

We then had another tiny little flashback featuring the second appearance of Argyle or whatever and Regina snapped his damn next – but guys, she's not that person anymore, OKAY?!

"God, this makes me wet."

Lol, flashbacks always ruin Regina because they remind us of just what a cunt she was. But the writers really wanna have their cake and eat it too when it comes to having both a reformed Regina and the Evil Queen. The summation of this scene – which lasts longer than it feels, still more time coulda been spent on Camelot – was Regina reintroducing Hook to his father, and le moo.

In the present, Regina and Robin enter the former's office to see Zelena, planning to take over as Storybrooke's Mayor.

"I am gonna paint the town green, bishes."

Okay, nothing about this was uncute… but it led to what appears to be her ultimate shitty departure, and so I hate it. Although, I shall say this. Regina makes a comment about the wand not having worked for her before in 5.01 because she didn't believe in herself, which is utter bullshit and just moo. She then says that she believes in herself now and so does the rest of the town, an actual callback to the present day events of 5.02. I liked that, because it made 5.02 feel like it had an actual purpose, seeing as how we haven't actually seen Regina act as the Savior against Emma beyond that. Even tho that shoulda been Lily… and moo, I'm back to hating. Anyway, she teleports herself and Zelena to the clock tower and… and… and.. and.. and… and… and… WTF NO STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!

The actual fuck…?

All I can surmise is that the writers actually listened to all those Twitter spazzes who constantly complained about the pregnancy storyline – IT INCLUDED RAPE CULTURE!!! – and so wrote Zelena off before they had a riot on their hands, in the most spazzacious what possible ofc. OMG THIS WAS SO DREADFUL! The fact that Zelena assured her sister that she would be back gave me some hope… but she can't really return until at least, lie, 5.15 or something. Which means…. she's not gonna be in the 100th… she's never going to meet Cora… why is OUaT so bad, guys? Zelena was legit the only thing going well in S5A. This is such a horrible move, I… I can't even. This show is just so rude to my bae's baes.

The tornado marked the mere halfway point in this 43 minutes of shittitude, and in the very next scene, Belle was seen packing up to leave town, still not noticing the mass of cloaked figures roaming the background. Gold didn't want Moe to live, and so left him to rot without his daughter in this whole scheme of his, and Belle proceeded to depart from what we all thought was the series itself in a scene that had exactly 0 lines in it.

"…" "…"  "…"

Stimulating stuff. Ha, Maurice was repromoted to guest status for this. Meanwhile, because no one noticed that massive twister that ripped through town, Emma was able to casually sneak in and drop a letter to her parents – who her perfectly content without her – explaining what she planned on doing next. This was at the same time as Nimue was telling Hook that he knows what he needs to do.

*Omg we could ACTUALLY be seeing Guinevere go home rn.*

Let's just say all the Camelotians fucked off in that tornado and are now trapped in Oz where we won't have to look at them anymore, HA! This led to a flashback of Hook loitering in his father's tavern, and we got a whole scene of them, like, talking, and I was bored to literal tears. When Hook said he was Brennan's son, he immediately assumed Killian; woulda been a bit better if he assumed him to be Liam, for moo reasons of my own. But anyway he's managed to stay young due to a sleeping curse that he was awoken from by a woman he'd never actually spoken to before, and who couldn't have possibly known him in anyway.

"Rape culture… it saved my life!"

Hook was able to forgive his father in the end because penguins and this fb ended on the revelation that he'd conceived another son – but even this little bastard wasn't called Davy! OMG! More on that later, because we were pulled back to the present where Emma and Hook confronted one another. She kept trying to stab him with Excalibur, but he did that thing where he kept poofing away to dodge the attack, which is SUCH bad form. Eventually he disguised himself as Henry, and Emma was dumb af enough to believe it as actually him.

"Wait… Hook?!" "Bitch how many times has that been used on you now…?"

He learned that from Zelena in 3.17. The main thing of note is that Hook now has Excalibur, and he fucks right off with it as the tides change to Act 5, where baby Neal's face was looking as fat as his step grandmother's in the flashbacks. Henry was busy spending some quality time with his baby uncle.

"What's his name again?" "Fucked if we know." "Quick, if we leave now then he's Henry's problem."

Mary Margaret then found the note left by the child that she actually gives a fraction of a shit about and her and David sped-read that thing in all of about 10 seconds – well at least now they're conserving time… omg Camelot folk – and rushed off the go stop her. But then Nimue or some crap showed up and activated their marks and we were all taken to the Charon's (totally said it like Sharon tbh) boat parlor by the pond which just so happens to contain a portal to Hell, due to tis immense penguin power. Outlaw Queen and Gold are there too, cos convenience, and Regina hugs Henry as all the Dark Ones gather round. Mary Margaret seemed to care that Neal was back at the diner… for a bit, anyway. Robin said that Roland and Baby Hood (who's going to be unnamed for like another six weeks of their time and breastfeeding from Nova) are with the fairies, and that they will collect Neal too… meaning Neal's still alone for God knows how long… no harm no foul tho, because that put the Charmings ENTIRELY at ease.

"God I hope they keep him…"

Hook then arrives just as the Charon does, ready to take them all to Hell, and Emma also comes running to say goodbye to her loved ones. Regina takes this opportunity to talk to Hook about this bullshit backstory they share, and also to repeat that damn central mantra for the episode about being the kind of man you wanna be, and everyone was a bit iffy on it in the background.

'''"Is that in the book?" "Nope."'''

This was able to lead us into our final (yes!) flashback of the episode where Hook peaked in on his dad tucking in his son goodnight… and he was called LIAM! Thank FUCK the music took a dark turn when that was revealed… imagine if Eddy and Adam had treated that like a good thing! OMG that's just weird! It gives me hope though… hope that Baby Hood won't be named Marian… assuming she gets named at all by her remarkable lack of parents. Ultimately this provides Hook with the change of heart he needs to stab that pink-lipped mother-heffer right in the gut, killing him dead.

"But I'm your father…" "You're also a super unneeded piece of backstory."

In the present, which I care surprisingly less about at this rate, Nimue tells Hook that it's time, again, and she begins choking Emma when she starts to fight back. Well, Hook couldn't remain the Dark One a minute longer after THAT, nosersee Bob.

"Dis be the face I make when I'm suckin' a dick." "You have reawakened my love for you."

Hook then turned around and did his whole selfless sacrifice thing by sucking all of the Dark Ones into the sword and asking Emma to strike him down with it. Did anyone else find it HILARIOUS the way the sword was vibrating all the way through this scene? Like just lol.

"Dis be how I toss a dick too."

And when Emma did it… when she finally took the plunge (literally)… the most glorious thing happened… SHE WAS EMMA SWAN AGAIN! DARK SWAN FINALLY DIED AND THE EMMA WE ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT LIKE THE LOOK OF WAS RIGHT THERE TO TAKE HER PLACE! Oh, it looked weird… we haven't seen blonde Emma in modern day clothing since 4.22… but it felt so right too.

"It was worth killing you just to look like this again, sorry not sorry."

I actually cheered when that happened, lol. This was the one good thing to come from the episode, even though Emma as the Big Bad being a half season story is utterly ridiculous, and I still firmly believe that 5a should've been Camelot and then 5b should've been 5a. At the start of the final (again, yay!) act of the episode, Hook's dead body (yay!) was taken away, and Emma was totes cri. But as Captain Swan died, Rumbelle rose from the ashes, and Belle returned to Rumple, wanting to be with him.

"Henry called me. Offscreen ofc. Kind of our jam."

But of course that couldn't last very long, because Emma, who for some reason always sleeps on her couch…

"They only paid for a downstairs set."

…could hear the dagger calling to her, meaning that it was still out there somewhere. This should mean that Gold should've been able to hear the dagger back when SHE was a Dark One, and maybe also that Hook should've been able to hear Excalibur when he was like two feet away from it in 5.05 pd, but whatever, because it led her to the episode's ultimate discovery: Gold is once again a Dark One.

WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG YOU'RE NOT A SIMPSONS EPISODE, ONCE UPON A TIME, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP RETURNING US TO THE STATUS QUO! THIS WAS SUCH AN UNWELCOME TURN OF EVENTS! I JOKED THAT I WANTED RUMPLE TO BECOME THE DARK ONE AGAIN AND PRETEND THAT THIS ARC NEVER HAPPENED, BUT OMG! It's like that thing Rena always likes to say about Gold, about how he's always moving one step forward then two steps back… BUT THIS WAS LIKE A MILLION STEPS FORWARD AND THEN TWO BILLION STEPS BACK! UGH! Also he technically appeared in flashbacks by showing us how he changed the sword and shit, so is he yellow on the table? Anyway, this was disgusting because it reduced Belle back to EXACTLY what she was in 4a… a blackmail chip to be used about Rumple by threatening to tell her the truth. The only ting different is the dagger's grand spanking new inverted design.

"I went black, and now I can't go back."

Threatening to tell Belle (ugh!), Emma made Gold take her and her family to the Underworld to find Hook. If only there was a portal to Heaven in the clock tower or something, then they could yank Neal from the skies too, but whatever, she's deadest on Hook. Also, poor Henry Sr. is evil apparently. Her family tried telling her that she was being dumb, but ultimately saw this as a chance to neglect Baby!Neal for yet another six weeks and so decided to tag along.

"We never did take him back from those fairies." "Lol, ditto."

Poor sucker nuns gotta raise like 3 kids. Aurora's too when she was arrested for a mental breakdown. But yeah, ultimately, Robin left his daughter behind, the Charmings left their son behind, and Swan Queen decided to take their 13 year old with them to Hell… Hell.


 * 1) PARENTING!!!

Oh, and Emma copied Snowing's phrase.

"I will always find you."

Apparently she plans to resurrect him by sharing her heart with him or something? Or was that purely metaphorical? OMG there were so many bad things about this episode that I just can't even, and I'm sure we'll end up discussing them all in great detail so… for now, I am done. See you all when the 100th airs! However shit it is… lol Belle's gonna be absent. I hate this show. I really, truly do.

Lol, this was the 100th… and it was HOOK centric XDXDXD