User blog:Jdg98/6.21/22 - "The Final Battle" Review

Ah, here we are. OUaT's finish line. Well, the finish line to this narrative, at least. As I'm typing this, I haven't actually seen the finale episodes yet, and so I have no idea if the show's been renewed or not, and probably still won't have any idea by the time I actually come to posting this. (EDIT: Lol.) But here's hoping it's cancelled forever because yeah legit nobody wants a fucking reboot. No. Body. The only person I feel bad for is Rebecca Mader, who deserves her own spin-off series entitled Wicked Always Wins which is just generally about Zelena and everything she does, because she's the one true piece of good to shine out since all the core characters completed their maximum level of development back in Season 3. (EDIT: This is making me sad to reread, but I feel the pain is necessary.) Seriously, by the end of 3.22 everyone had come full-circle in terms of their arcs. I cannot stress that enough, looking back. Now though, instead of a nice round narrative, what we got was a sort of loop-the-loop, as here we stand at the end of Season 6, a little worn -- kind of as though we ourselves have been pouring our actual physical exertion into beating this dead horse as much as the writers have with their lame-ass half-arc set-up. I'm not really sure how to wrap up this intro. Saying, "Well done," to all of us who managed to actually sit through this show for over half a decade seems appropriate, so brava all! Also something obligatory about how I'm writing from the past. Y'all reading ma' backstory rn. If this review were an episode, I'd be centric. Think about that. Or don't, because with this show over (please!!) hopefully I'll never have to think about what does or does not make a "centric" ever fucking again. And on with it...

So, I haven't written a review since I did some composite piece for 5b, one of those rare, actually decent arcs. As such, I'm left with like the entirety of Season 6 to make fun of, as is the point of these things, and that's a little daunting honestly. Not to mention I'm in a poor mood at the best of times so please excuse my inability to make decent jokes. Like the writers of OUaT, this probably shan't be my best material. But like the viewers of OUaT, you're gonna sit down and swallow it anyway 'cause... yeah. Y'all spend your time on Wikia, what else you got going on?

In episode 6.01, "The Savior", we got something that wasn't quite Emma-centric but really should have been as A&E, the worthless hacks, decided to inexplicably begin the new season with a tawdry scene between Aladdin -- a ''savior?!!! :O'' -- and New!(Sucky!)Jafar. In an altercation which made about as much sense and added about as much to the story as that time Roland hugged himself.

"Fear me." "Nvr."

Gladly that little c*** was absent this season, having spent his last moments onscreen with his daddy's favorite rapist; oh, but how he let his presence be known in this ep... Basically there was a whole dumb thing about a feather which meant that Regina and Zelena's relationship, which was perfectly damn fine when we left them at the end of S5, couldn't survive this forty minute trainwreck and also Robin maybe made it to heaven (Die? (Again??)).

"You lost my feather." "You could fly all along, Dumbo." "Hey, Emma's the big-eared one. You see that ratchet ponytail?" "What you bitches chattin'?"

Seriously, hunni, it ain't a good look, and you kept it up for like the majority of the season. But whatever because poor, poor JMo finally came to her senses and quit this mess of a series. But before she did, she kicked off some arc about how some mysterious figure in a hood was gon' come kill her, and they decided to represent this with a bout of early onset Parkinson's disease.

"Muh hand, it shake."

Yeah those tremor things were annoying. But, speaking of the mysterious figure under the hood, let's move on to the best part of this premiere, which I'm sure only Rena shall dispute: Rumbelle. They had a lovely dance scene which made up for that five-second piece of nothing two premieres ago (my first review... memories...) which was then interrupted by the handsome figure currently growing inside the Belle-y. Haha, how much more anti-abortion could you be, implying that a weeks-old (if that) fetus had the mind capacity to be able to dream alongside its parent?! But whatever because he was hot.

"I'm here to kiss you awake, mommy." "On the lips if you don't mind, son."

Because true love's kiss while in a dream world always wor--

Sssshhhhhhhhhh

In episode 6.02, "A Bitter Draught", 6a actually started to get good because A&E weren't penning the script. Granted, it was half-done by Andrew Chambliss and some other writer whose name I don't care to check, and that's always like 50/50, but I think we were all in agreement that this was a decent enough ep. Well, apart from the whole...

"I have a wedding to get to." '''So... wedding's moved to next week ig?'''

But ignoring that (because we must), it was an absolute treat to be able to watch Lana act opposite herself. Honestly, Season 6 seemed to kill the vigor from most of the actors -- and us -- but you could tell during this episode especially that Lana was having the time of her life playing both Regina and the Evil Queen in the same space, and that just made it all the more enjoyable to watch.

"♪ Tear yourselves apaaaaarrt. ♪" "Ooh, that should be yo' song in duh musical." "What musical?" "We'll get to that later, lol."

However enjoyable the Evil Queen may have been, though, this episode did introduce the concept of her and Mr. Gold bumping uglies, which feels like the biggest retcon in the history of retcons. Seriously, Golden Queen was a huge misnomer, and it still makes me a little bit ill to think about.

"You want sum fuk?"

Haha, but look at Robert's lacefront though. Love how he essentially put his middle finger up to his OUaT contract and snipped off all his hair. OUaT needs a middle finger once in a while, guys. It's why we exist as a community. Meanwhile, the Dark One's (ex?)wife was seeking refuge from a certain pirate.

"Sorri I smacked u round the face that one time..." "It's ok hun you've changed." "And also sorta tried to ram my hook up ur chin..." "Lol it's ok srsly I don't mind." "Then there was that time I launched a bullet in ur arm." "Distant memory tbh." "No one's this forgiving tho." "Lol it's sorta my kink."

Not for Rumple any longer though, now that her child's involved. The very same child that Emma's currently seeking therapy about (not that she knows that yet) because this season for some reason decided to make Archie even more relevant than he was in the season where he was actually main. And with the introduction of everyone's fave character the Count of Monte Cristo, this episode kept up 6a's obsession with seeing people impaled from week to week.



Ikr? Like, speaking of kinks, amirite? But that soon got abandoned along with the entirety of the Land of Untold Stories. 'Cause, like, yeah, who even remembers it by now? Operation Cobra, Part 2. That was like, a thing. I'm serious. I mean, it was a thing back in 5.10 as well, but shush because semantics and whatnot.

In episode 6.03, "The Other Shoe", we got the rest of the Cinderella story that we've been waiting for since 1.0fucking4! And it was penned by our fave Jane Espenson of all people. :3 This episode was simply a delight, and legitimately did give off the S1 feels that they'd been promising us we'd be feeling for like the last 3 or so arcs. This episode featured Ella handling a hunting rifle, and I think that satisfied something inside all of us.

"Please don't shoot!" "Sorry I thought you were Gus the mouse."

And yes, that is a racial joke. Oh, but we got to see Snow White talk to the mouse and help reunite Ella with her Prince! I mean, we didn't see the slipper go on her foot, but whatever. ALSO WTF regarding the whole Anastasia situation... Haha, even when 6a is good, it still kinda finds ways to fuck up.

"T'is me, Tisbe." "What even happened to you tbh?" "Oops."

Cute, Ana started that before Zelena did. "Stop judging me!" the Wiked Witch cried this episode. I relate to her. Also, David was searching for answers about his dead daddy, but had to deliver a little something from Rumple to Belle first...

"Give this a li'l listen." LATER ["Belle French, welcome to your tape."] "Fuq."

And Snow wants to go back to teaching! Hey, have I even mentioned Jekyll and Hyde yet in this review? Think just a pic of Jekyll with a harpoon through his chest... Awks. Well, um, they're like, about, and the EQ sets Hyde free. I like to think they also banged some.

Sum fuk sum fuk sum fuk indeed.

In episode 6.04, "Strange Case", Zelena was absent, and that seems fitting considering I've just today learned that Rebecca Mader won't be returning for Season 7, and now I kinda wanna just slit a donkey in half. But whatever, I shan't use this review to air out the many, many complaints I have about all of that business; I'll just *sigh* try and keep on chatting about OUaT's... non-final season. Christ. Okay, um, what even happened in this one? Lol. Oh right! Jekyll & Hyde. That forgettable little mini-arc. Once again Rumple took center-stage in an episode 4, and it all began with him contemplating self-harm.

"These scissors would look pretty in my wrist."

That tape thing was no joke. Instead the fucking off of Robert Carlyle's contract (although, considering... nah, I cba to get into it) continued and he snipped off his hair, which they actually made into, like, a thing.

"This new look workin' for you gurl?" "Idk maybe if you tried looking more like our son."

The rift between Rumple and Belle grew stronger as he trapped her aboard the Jolly Roger, right after Hook gifted her with everyone's fave prop the shell phone.

"This conch would look pretty in Jekyll's throat." LATER Lol.

Ah yes, Jekyll's demise led to Hyde's demise, which was scary for Regina, and in the past we saw how this tale began with Jekyll getting cockblocked by his own other half and then pushing his crush out a window.

"Least I finally got her on her back."

Meanwhile, in the present, Snow's background storyline continued and she taught kids some Einstein shit using a bow and arrow, and it was all really cute. She even let the kids have a go at usin' it.

"Aaaaaannnddd..." "Bullseye." "What were those?" "Legal waivers 4 when these lil shits poke each others eyes out."

Right, Jasmine was introduced. And it was like, a super awkward final scene. Cos we all knew Shirin was Jasmine, and we knew it was about to be revealed, so I was just like cringing every time the Oracle said a line because we all knew the reveal was gonna be crammed on where it really didn't fit.

"Blah, blah, blah... Jasmine. ;)"

In episode 6.05, "The Diamond in the Rough" "Street Rats", the afore-pictured fat-faced Oracle bitch bit the dust thanks to the Evil Queen wanting to know more about Emma's visions, and Raphael Sbarge did a really cute sassy li'l Lana Parrilla impression when she took Archie's form.

"Sashay... away."

Then she blew up shit with the fam, and Aladdin was searched for because Jasmine had been outed. It was all kinda meh to watch, especially the disappointing flashbacks. Aladdin is a savior because peanuts, although he isn't anymore because magical scissors, and Gross!Jafar trapped Jasmine in an hourglass for a minute-long climax of, well, anticlimactic proportions.

"Why r u botherin with this u could legit snap my neck ffs." "They wouldn't lemme make that into a title card." < < < it's counting down to when their Disney revenue runs out.

I don't have all that much more to say because, being an A&E contribution, this episode kinda sucked. But it did feature Zelena and the Evil Queen heading down to the spa for some scenes which would ultimately become pointless later.

"You should be wicked some." "Ok but for why." "Idk just enjoy the fact ur getting scenes lol."

In episode 6.06, "Dark Waters", I'm pretty sure we all fell asleep, because they decided to focus on the show's most boring duo ever. Hook and Henry stole the show and... we all just wanted them to give it back. Not to mention Captain Nemo was the dullest flashback aide ever, and Liam Jones II was the biggest faggot ever to grace OUaT.

"Hey..."

Soz. Fun though, watching Zelena trying to protect her baby from two known babynappers.

"Black Fairy got nothin' on us."

And Snow and Belle actually got to share some scenes, which was cute. The latter was showing off her ultra-sound pic, and Snow, the big cutie, didn't even get tempted to nab it right from her belly. Prob woulda if her husband was about though.

"Hey when was the last time we spoke?" "Bitch when was the first time we spoke?"

Aw, Snow's gonna threaten to help kill that baby in exactly ten episodes' time. <3 Additionally, Golden Queen became canon, and Belle didn't even see as she went to deliver her ex some pics from up inside herself. The Queen wants Snow's heart, and also I've just realized that she and Rumple have shared more kisses this season than Belle and Rumple, which, ew.

"Do you even still give a shit about Daniel tbh?" "Ofc y'all know I only think about the D."

In episode 6.07, "Heartless", Jane Espenson once again took our breath away with a truly beautiful Snowing-centric installment. Everything about this episode was great, from the way it was directed (I don't normally notice direction honestly, but here it was noticeably very good) to the tension of the PD story to the genuine moving nature of the FB story -- I didn't even care that they retconned Snow and Charming's first meeting 'cause, like, it's better than some time travel bullshit.

"Woman." "U sure?"

All culminated in the Queen ripping out the couple's shared heart and giving them a two-way sleeping curse, which was actually an innovative and effective form of revenge. Didn't feel like a massive cop-out. Another episode to give me S1 feels. Well done, Jane, hunni, well done. Right from the very first scene out in the creepy woods this ep was a smash.

"Now I want what I've always wanted..." "...Dis bodi."

I'm surprised Snow Queen isn't more of a ship, honestly. Especially considering that cute name and the fact that the two of them share a lot of scenes together, and fans of this show can construe any sort of tension as sexual tension, so like yeah. Well, except the non-existent sexual tension between Regina and Rumple. Only the writers could see that apparently. The reactions from the rest of the heroes was on point. That ship is so rotten it turns anyone in proximity legit moldy.

Exhibit A.

Then Zelena and Belle shared some screentime which is always a treat.

'''"We should do this more often next season." "Omg totes."''' "Hey, so, here's the thing..."

Lol those two both need to legit kill themselves. Or, actually, I'd quite like to see Emilie stab them both in the throat with a conch shell.

< < < my face when I see those two fuckers.

In episode 6.08, "I'll Be Your Mirror", season 6 continued its artistic feel by giving us a truly saddening montage of Snowing's new life under their new curse, and also we got a peak at Sidney's old room.

"So this is where he used to masturbate over me..."

The Dragon finally got to dragon out, and also mentioned having a daughter. Hey, will Season 7 address that? Probably not. Couldn't be Lily, of course. Then again, my first thought was that he and the Doctor from 1.04 got together and made Mulan.

"I recommend 10 CCs of dragon cock, stat."

Henry took the reigns again, but in a far less annoying way because he had Violet to make up for his annoyingness. Cute that she stuck around. Wish she did more. Was nice seeing the Evil Queen pose as Regina, although I'm disappointed we never got to see it the other way around. I mean, we sort of did in 6.10, but that was an entirely different situation and idk. Urrrrrrm, also Rumple slapped Belle with some new jewelry against her will.

"V expensive hop u lik it if u leev town I'll trap u lol."

This was after Zelena bullied Aladdin into stealing the Apprentice's wand, and he also snagged a genie lamp from a genie he and Jasmine apparently knew that wasn't Sidney, with Sidney having been directly mentioned at other parts of this episode due to his connection with the mirror world. Weird. Prob shoulda just made it Sidney since that lamp's been about since S1 and is the same one used in 1.11, ner? Whatever because this season gave very little shits in regards to continuity. Especially with the Aladdin and Jasmine junk, those bland hoes. I mean...

"Just snapped Amara's spine, take that."

Although a nice 4.17 throwback with Gold trying to harm Zelena and it inducing a heart attack thanks to a deal they made. Dwsherlockfan was less than thrilled, though.

"Now you know how it feels to care about this show."

In episode 6.09, "Changelings," Rumple had decided that Zelena was a fuckin' problem and so had enlisted his lover the Evil Queen to get rid of her. Which... the Queen went to do. Very bitchily, might I add. Like, I thought she had some affection for Zelena, but there she was cracking jokes while trying to try fireballs at her.

"Lmao Wicked doesn't always win." "We went to the spa together..."

Regina stepped in and saved her sister's life, but then because we can never be happy with Regina for too long, they had her saying she would never ever forgive her for Robin's death. Which, yunno, Zelena didn't cause. 'Cause yeah, whenever Robin is brought into the equation, Regina's character starts to suck. She sucked 6.01, then Robin wasn't mentioned for seven episodes in a row and all was good with her. And now, yeah.

"Tbh I'm just mad cos you got more Robin dick than I did."

But of course this episode was all about Belle and the fact that it looked as though her pregnancy was gonna be sped up by Rumple. Ultimately, though, it was the Queen who made her blow up like a balloon.

"Oh shit how many burgers I eat dis time?"

Throwback to fat-faced Belle of the earlier seasons. Then she got pregnant and somehow thinner. How lovely. Sorry Ginny. Belle went on to give birth to Gideon, and shared a touching scene with him in the dream world before giving him over to the worst babysitter this side of the fictional Alps.

"Blue here's my baby plz don't drop it." "Is ok I'll just give him a magic high five to the face."

Some B-plot about Aladdin becoming a genie, and also a contrived as all hell flashback story featuring Jack and Jill without naming either of them -- only the press release did that, cos, lol. S6 had a weird habit of intro'ing rando fairytale characters. Almost as though they were getting them all out of the way 'cause it's the final season and whatnot and tysfdyghahwsdvbhjnjafvwabjnjsdews BUT hey wasn't it a lovely shock that the long-awaited Black Fairy turned out to be Rumplestiltskin's mother?

"Hi there it's me Black Fairy you want sum fuk?" '"Soz can't, I don't do... incest''." *Le gosp*.

Although that is how Golden Queen felt kinda. Thank God that ended with this ep. Also, thanks to a temper tantrum from Gold, Emma found the sword that's been fated to kill her!

"OMG dis like the biggest sword that's ever gonna go inside me." "Am right here but k."

In episode 6.10, "Wish You Were Here", we saw the result of a wish that we all forgot Emma made because it happened in 6.06's C or D-plot with Aladdin in a pretty forgettable filler scene that wasn't even shown in the "Previously..." credits for this episode and also the Queen was able to hear it because "I hear everything" very gud ok. Nah but this episode was actually quite a fun romp as we got blasted off to the Wish Realm where Emma Swan was now faggy Princess Emma, something she never quite grew out of for the rest of the season.

"Someday my prince will come..." "Stop @'ing me..."

It was learned that the magic sword from Gold's shop that he had all along can harm doppelgangers, which raises the question of why didn't he just use it against Hyde, but semantics because we were dealing with what we all assumed to be the Evil Queen's last episode. And how would she be taken down? By David and his excellent wishing abilities, ofc.

"*vaguest wish ever*" *fuck all happens* "What went wrong lol? :p:p:p"

No but this did summon the FIGURE UNDER THE HOOD to turn the Queen into a SNAKE. Which was fitting cos yunno how earlier in the episode David called her a snake? He was all, "You snake!" and she was all, "Snake?!". Ya' wimme? Gud, gud. Anyway, Rumbelle soon had to learn that it was their son who was fated to kill Emma, thanks to the Black Fairy kidnapping him to another realm and all. Ermagerrrrr.

"What up skanks ya' boi's home." "Stab me instead plz :3"

In the wish realm, Regina put on an act and killed the Charmings in order to get Emma to believe again, a task which seems is down to Henry in the upcoming finale. Hey, OUaT really has limited ideas, huh? But it was kinda satisfying watching the EQ just sorta pop the Charming's hearts and then watching them slump over dead on her ratty old couch. Like it honestly was that easy all along for her to kill them.

"Ik they ain't real but this is like so therapeutic."

In the end, none other than Robin Hood returned! And because Regina's been swigging off the same faggot juice that Emma has handy, and because, as mentioned, he brings ruin to her character whenever the mere concept of him is factored into anything, she and the savior lost their bean portal home because she got all distracted. Which makes no sense considering bean portals stay open until someone goes through them. Throwback to Neal 2.21 after all. They're also meant to leave a huge pit in the earth. BUT WHATEVER! 'Cause any sounds of protest were being drowned out by the last spawnlings of Outlaw Queen all collectively crying their ovaries out.

"Give me your jewelry." "Give me my character development back."

And where was Snow while all this grand action was occurring?

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."

In episode 6.11, "Tougher Than the Rest", we got kicked off to 6b's very boring start, which inspired an even more boring continuation. Shit was still going down in the wish realm, with a brunet Robin who for some reason hasn't aged like everyone else, and this all culminated in him being able to come back to Storybrooke 'cause he's special 'n' shit. Yeah moo. Also that fucking feather made a reappearance.

"Goodie now mah ears can fly."

That ponytailed hoe spent the episode hanging out with alternate Pinocchio, who was able to whip up an entire wardrobe in like less than an hour when it took Geppetto legit months originally. But this is also a world where Regina can bash out a note in full cursive calligraphy in a hasty half-second.

"Everything moves faster here gurl." "Wow wish someone could bash their chisel in me that good." "..."

We can't forget a very special, if useless, appearance from fat Hook, obviously the best, most hilarious scene of the whole episode because the writers are so good and hilarious.

"We wanted to have some real fun with the wish characters."

Poor Belle, back in the real world she had to legit beg for Charming and Hook not to straight up kill the child that she gave birth to not 15 hours earlier, who was now a fully grown adult wondering round town. To vent her frustrations, added to by the fact that she'll never be able to legally make out with Giles Matthey, she took to the woods and started skinning bunny rabbits, which is how she got her fabulous new coat.

"Percy's kids made a lovely trim."

Why wasn't he called Peter though? Anyway, there was some shit about how Emma got the surname Swan, all stemming from when pedo August approached her when she was a 5 year old homeless person.

"You want sum ugly duk?"

And the "climax" was perhaps the lamest destiny battle in history. I wonder if the finale rectified that any. Probably not. Who knows. But Emma's vision semi came to pass, nearly ending in her slitting Gideon's throat right there in the middle of Main Street. Was quite the (snooze af) ride.

And where was Snow while all this grand action was occurring?

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."

In episode 6.12, "Murder Most Foul", Jane Espenson did the best she could giving us OUaT's own version of Hamlet, complete with the vengeful ghost of a dead father, a murderous King, and a character named Francisco whose page I've yet to make. In this non-David-centric David-centric, we finally learned of the long-awaited (haha, who are we kidding?) mystery (ha) killer of Robert Charming -- none other than Captain Hook! Gasp.

Run me through, daddy.

It rang a little hollow because we all knew the proper consequences would not come to pass, but a little less hollow than if it had just been King George who was behind the death -- who, in the present, nearly got his throat slit by Charming. Because nearly slitting throats is the new impalement, yo.

"Your men killed Alex, you bastard!"

And where was Snow while all this grand action was occuring? Finally up and talking to Regina, who was failing to acclimate the new Robin to Storybrooke.

'''Two in one ep. This really is a kink.'''

Near-throat-slitting aside, Regina came to realize that just was not her Robin, which led her to wonder what it is he really wants because somehow that's a proper train of thought for her. If real Robin's soul isn't in fact inside him, then fuck knows why he didn't age and why he was "special" and shit. Then again, Nottingham didn't age in the Wish Realm either. So basically OUaT just don't make a whole lot of sense. But it sure was cool seeing young wooden Pinocchio on Pleasure Island.

"Got wood?"

Less cool was seeing Emma continuing to be a bubbly faggot but whatever. Always hilarious when her selective-ass superpower is brought up as though it's legit.

"Try telling me a lie go ahead I dare you." "I love you lol."

In episode 6.13, "Ill-Boding Patterns", a bunch of sluts were absent in the writers' attempts to ready us for the dreadful-sounding seventh season, with Rumple, Regina and Hook feeling like the only relevant players. And I'd like for you to remember how primarily mind-numbing this episode was. This is what we have to look forward to, folks. Cue face.



Captain Swan decided to get engaged in an episode where Emma was largely absent, because that's logical, but it's not as though it lasted even a whole ep so we can't care that much. Also it's Captain Swan so the whole "caring" thing was gonna be limited anyway. I honestly feel nothing when those two share a scene.

"Wnna get married then?" "I mean my character's destroyed enough as it is sure."

At the same time, Rumple was tying up his son for the first of two times this half-season, and a series of events that I was too bored to pay attention to led to the Blue Fairy being put into a coma.

"Hey look Blue it's your potential ha."

In flashbacks, there was some shit with new Bae and a memory potion that I myself would rather forget to be honest -- because the only way to redeem Rumple is to make Baelfire a bad guy??? -- so moving on; Zelena was actually somewhat relevant this ep. She and new Robin forged and alliance, with both of them wanting out of town. Of course they were gonna head to New York because that and Boston are the only two cities which exist, but Regina wasn't having it, esp. with Queen Cobra being brought as a carry-on.

"Well if it isn't my sister the snake." "And the Evil Queen too."

Having the Evil Queen back at the end of the episode immediately had me feeling more invested, as it seems she was genuinely the special sauce which made 6a good. My interest was hooked, which is something I've never said regarding Hook himself, and it seemed the Queen was gon' get up to some hijinks with new Robin.

"Hold me, I'm scared."

In episode 6.14, "Page 23", hijinks indeed ensued as the Queen had Robin dig up the Shears of Destiny so that she and Regina could finally harm one another without harming themselves. Latina brawl!

"Let's dance, puta."

This was the first good episode of 6b, although the flashbacks were kind of a pile of garbage. I cannot stress enough how dumb the concept of the Cupid's Arrow thing is -- how it was gonna lead Regina to gaze upon the person she hates most to find Snow, when she has a magic fucking mirror at home. And how they kept using that wording. Gaze upon. As opposed to find. As though some grand force was manipulating the words they use so that, when it turned out to be Regina's reflection, all would make sense to an audience of some kind. Yeah it just bothers me, okay? But the actual conclusion of it was cool.

Seven years' bad luck...

A phrase which now sums up Once Upon a Time perfectly.

The Queen ended up redeemed with some self-love, and was written off (literally) to a place where she could get a fresh start -- the wish realm, with new Robin, where Page 23 could finally come to pass. N'awwww. All's well. :3 Until you remember that this is a world where the Charmings and Belle are dead, Emma is missing, the Queen is being hunted by her own son, she and Robin are on the run from the Sheriff of Nottingham and Rumplestiltskin is still looking to skin them both alive. Happy ending indeed. (EDIT: Yeah, yeah.)

"We should prob move."

Meanwhile, Captain Swan broke up because Hook was attempting to hide something very big from Emma. That's why they broke up. Not because of the thing itself -- him murdering her grandfather and all -- but because he attempted to hide it. And Emma's face looked super fat 'cause she tried putting bangs with her ponytail.

"Can't believe u tried to do that, v bad decision!" "Just like your hair then."

In episode 6.15, "A Wondrous Place", Hook had been fucked on out of Storybrooke by Gideon and I don't really wanna talk about the rest, so I won't. (Sorry, Jane Espenson. I still love you.) Shout-out to drunk Snow though.

"I'm horny lol get it?"

In episode 6.16, "Mother's Little Helper", we got our reintroduction to the Black Fairy who would serve as the rest of the season's Big Bad, getting as much time to be the final opponent as Greg and Tamara had back in Season 2. As Gideon asked for Emma's help in the present, we saw his past being tortured some in the dark mines, and his relationship with Roderick led to every single fan praying that this character be gay.

"Why do you think I'm so interested in swords?"

Ys. Plz. The dark fairy dust turned Roderick to a bug, which gave me hope that the writers hadn't forgotten about Snow laying her hands on some back in 1.03, but that's destined to be forever unexplained because the world is not a happy place and is only made worse by this show's existence in it.

"Ok I'm Adam Horowitz and this bug is your dreams lol."

When Emma stepped on a shrunken down giant spider in the present, though, the damn thing disappeared. Haha, even the animators can't be fucked anymore. Was nice seeing Gold save Emma, but less nice watching the Charmings and the Stiltskins try and hash anything out.

"Plz don't gut my baby." "Stop with ur ridiculous requests gurl." "... :(" "Throwback 2 when I saw ur sonogram, now Imma go kill it."

There was also an endless string of B-plots. One where Hook went to Neverland with Black Beard, who's able to excrete magic beans out through his scalp apparently, and one where Henry went all haywire and we learned from Isaac that the final battle is coming. Isaac got a happy ending. Wonder who the fuck didn't. Dat trance doe.

"Hold the door... Hold... Door..."

In episode 6.17, "Awake", we got our second flashback story of this half-season to be fucked off by a memory potion, and it wasn't even the last we saw of the mind-wipe saga. In the past, Snow and Charming woke up from the Dark Curse and wandered around for a bit. The writers are so very clearly running out of ideas, it's actually a little bit painful.

"This doesn't fit in with continuity, does it?" "tHiS doesN'T Fit iN wITh cONTinUitY DOes iT?!"

However, I was able to forgive it because it was legitimately entertaining and emotional, with Mayor Mills being quite the treat to watch and Ginnifer Goodwin coming to remind us what a terrific actress she truly is.

"I still don't like being touched down there."

Throwback. Wonder who remembers. The present was all about getting the Charmings to wake up from their shared curse with the contrived as all shit pixie flowers, which were able to grow thanks to the presence of pure evil. Daz right, the Black Fairy's in town, and she went ahead and shared a scene with Gideon, Rumple and Belle. How nice.

"All us should go on a picnic."

Emma, ever the trick-ass hoe, ended up using the pixie dust to save Hook from Neverland instead, where he was gloriously beaten against the ground by a bunch of teenage boys. He also palled around with Tiger Lily, who made it clear that she'd be returning in two episodes' time to infringe on the parts of Fiona's backstory which should rightfully be Blue's, but whatever. Other Wiki doesn't even have her down as Native American Woman, how whack is that?

"Share ma' needle."

And that's the story of how Hook got AIDS. He then proposed to Emma a second time, ready to pass on the virus (although, actually, they've still never had canonical sex), and her line, "I didn't exactly make it easy for you to tell me the truth," actually bothered me in the same way I imagine it bothers the gross feminist side of her fanbase. But whatever, because the Charmings are what's important, and they were eventually awoken by the love of the people or whatever. Well a thing where the curse was diluted 'cause more people drank it and it didn't really make a whole lot of sense honestly but it was still a pretty cute scene.

"Aw man, we missed a rager."

In episode 6.18, "Where Bluebirds Fly", 6b finally stepped up its game and gave us something at last matching the quality of the season's first half. Of course it would be an hour extensively featuring Rebecca Mader which would do this for us, and now that can never happen again, so I might just make like that mythical munchkin in The Wizard of Oz and go hang myself now.

Throwback to this creepy af title card.

In some random-ass flashbacks, Zelena was able to bring birds back to life, and also found a friend in the Tin Man. Unfortunately, she was unwilling to sacrifice her magic to save him, and so rop.

"Oil... can..." "Only cans I have are big 'n' green hunni."

She was able to make that sacrifice in the present though, in order to slow down the Black Fairy's plans or something, so that she could finally be re-redeemed for that time she killed her own true love to save Regina's life or whatever wicked thing it is she did again.

"This thing sucks harder than 6b."

First though, she stopped off to share some scenes with Belle, delivering her baby to her, discovering that she and Rumple had hilariously just been hiding a comatose body in the back of their shop for the last five episodes. But yeah, again, always a treat having these two together, and reminds me of that alternate ending to 5.11 I wrote. Feel as though I may need to do something similar soon.

"Ffs can we just take the baby n run away together." "I thought you'd never ask..."

In the meantime, the Charmings were trying to plan Emma's wedding and David kept throwing li'l hissyfits at every turn. Eventually they decided to postpone it, although it's still ready to go on a day's notice by the end of the next episode, and bitch don't even have a dress picked out but manages to put on a whole shindig in like 3 hours and aghsujuxasgdhnk whatever.

"Nuh-uh, this is where you had your first date with Whale." "I also banged him on that table over there, wotsit2u?"

In episode 6.19, "The Black Fairy", we finally learned the origins of, you guessed it, the Black Fairy. Tiger Lily returned, the infringing little hoe, and we found out that Rumplestiltskin was in fact born a savior. Does that mean Fiona and Malcolm shared true love? Probably not because that seems to be kind of an abandoned concept by now, although Malcolm did seem to love her a lot. So much so he gave his baby an ugly-ass name 'cause he blamed him for fuckin' her off.

"I know a name, perfect..."

Belle this episode again didn't do much. Just watched over Rumple and Emma while they entered the dream world. Overexerted herself physically lifting her unconscious husband into a chair, then decided "fuck it", and just sorta chucked a pillow under Emma's head.

"Murderous bitch can sleep on the floor."

Via the dream world, Gold learned the circumstances behind his mother forging the dark curse, and saw first hand her turn herself dark by ripping out Tiger Lily's heart.

"As if taking my land wasn't bad enough!"

Then Blue stepped in and there was this whole thing with the Shears of Destiny and basically Rumple went to go face his mother but was a li'l shit and started working with her instead (so it seemed). The heroes had a much better face-off with Fiona which ended in Zelena hitting her with her new green stationwagon.

"U can take that fake apology and shove it right up ur hairy li'l--" rop bitch "I'm the only Regina round here lol."

In episode 6.20, "The Song in Your Heart", we got a very awkwardly timed musical which probably should have been done about three seasons ago and not when the show is legit one step away from what should have been its finish line, but whatever. We're probably only halfway through the series anyway, rite? ^^ Nah, but then we wouldn't have gotten "Wicked Always Wins", which was fuckin' fab, and ugh right now I'm in a position where I have to recap all the characters and shit for this tomorrow which I'm so not looking forward to 'cause it jumps into so many flashbacks and there are so many bitches who are in both past and present 'cause musical event and then wedding event and just ugh. But yeah, sluts sang, it was cool.

"♪ The pain I knew when Adam turned his back on my char ♪" "♪ At last will be his spine's when I hit him with my car ♪"

Right, Captain Swan got married, and Emma looked hideous as all shit. Seriously, her wedding look was... bad. And really bad. Like I would be legitimately taken aback at every new shot by just how ghastly it truly was. The way her hair was scraped back in that godawful headdress. The way it covered her whole chest, going up to the neck, so she had the appearance of a sad bobblehead. The way it had sleeves so that she couldn't show the tiniest bit of skin or character and instead ended up looking like she was being walked towards a pyre to be burned as a sacrificial virgin. She looked as though she should be tending to soldiers in a WW2 hospital or marrying into a strict gangster family in the 30s. Oh, and that horrible skirt thing which reminded me of Princess Peach if Princess Peach were a frightful bitch. Nothing about it was good. At all. It was bad. Is my point. And after Belle spent all them hours searching for Snow's wedding dress without even being invited to the damn ceremony! And then the new curse came to take it away, thank Lord.

*smash* "Yes plz free me from the patriarchy."

Which... brings us to now. The sixth season's finale. And not the series finale because some people just don't know when to let the fuck go. Sigh. Let's just do this.

So, I have now witnessed the finale a good twice, and am about to semi-do it a third time in order to churn out this blasted thing, and I liked it. Kinda. Nah, I did. I mean, it broke the rule of every even numbered finale being a pile of crap. Kinda. Nah, it did. It was a good finale. Great, even. It was just, like... well it was boring. It was as though... I liked everything that was going on... I just wasn't necessarily entertained throughout. Ultimately I do love it; there were some really amazing moments that speak to the heart of the series, as well as some really half-assed moments that sorta tried to speak to the heart of the series, and it was a perfect end to the show.... ahahahaahhahahahahhaa, A&E.

In episode 6.21, "The Final Battle, Part 1"... I don't really need to begin like that, but yeah, the episode opened with a "Previously on Once Upon a Time..." epic enough to rival any given episode of Devious Maids, calling all the way back to Season 1 and all the seasons since, perfect for -- you guessed it -- a series finale. Oh fuckin' well, dearies. Lol though there's a weird cut when Henry's about to eat the apple turnover, which I thought was just a bug in my livestream, but it made it to my download too. "You may not--curse, or in me, but I believe in you." And, now that I'm actually rewatching it, they skipped out Season 2 entirely. How funny.

Missed some real gems here.

The true opening was a captional read of the Enchanted Forest in "A time of great upheaval..." which sounds dumb and most likely is dumb, considering this is a dumb show for dumb people that I've been watching for almost an entire third of my whole life. We had Gareth from The Walking Dead running through the woods and, ugh, I just despise him. Hated him during that fucking cannibal arc and I hate him even more now. Even back then a part of me must've known, foresaw, he'd one day come to ruin Once Upon a Time even more than it's already been ruined. Then again, given his hobbies in TWD, maybe he's just always been destined for this particular series...

"I eat black people."

Well that certainly would explain where Lancelot's been since he fucked off in 5.10. Would've made disposing of Merlin a lot easier too. Maybe it was a mistake that they brought him such a dark-toned daughter, whom he was running towards while being chased by a beast of some sort. I naturally was shocked considering I was expecting an entirely different Jane the Virgin to emerge; this one's far too young to be havin' "the chat" with her Abuela Emma Swan (we don't know that yet, but we do).

"No sex before marriage, young lady." "No sex ever if I dress like that."

Oh, maybe that was Emma's plan all along. Huh. Anyway (get prepared for me to use and abuse that word), Henry (why bother pretending?) began rambling to his daughter about how "they've" found them, and about keeping the realm safe from darkness, and she had the storybook, and a bunch of other shit I didn't care about because I was just pretty darn distraught that the Season 6 finale was beginning with a prelude to Season 7. Honestly was just hoping that that'd be saved for the final, final scene. As it is, very much fuck off. Oh then a beast attacked and Henry, like, died. Weird that a kid who grew up without her dad in a modern world would say both "daddy" and "father", huh? Well, the modern world could explain the "daddy" thing...

"Dafuq did I just tell you?"

After the title card, which very annoyingly pertained to the final scene of 6.22 meaning it'll very unfittingly be slapped onto the bottom of 6.21's page, we got shown some archive of the end of the wedding so that the Blue Fairy could have her final appearance be even more un-legit than the lineless, no-closeup cameo she had at the ceremony. We once again saw the curse envelop everyone and then... Henry. On the same drab rooftop where Captain Swan decided to get married. I don't even know what building it was, but it sure was tacky-lookin'. Not sure how I feel about Henry opening the present day of both episodes but whatever, he's relevant enough I suppose. Y'all know I give a shit about structure and the order of scenes. He was just sorta lying against a skylight with the storybook in his arm, and I guess that's why he bothered hauling that thing to his mom's wedding, just so he could have it handy in the finale.

"I like to curl up with it in bed too." "Mhm."

Hope y'all have seen that ep of American Dad! at least. Henry prob needs a good roasting. I was reading through an old review of mine the other day and saw that I'd called him a "dumb little midget fuck". I do love me.

We were all probably worried that Henry was getting focus. He does in every single finale apart from Season 3, and in Season 1 his focus involved him being asleep, and those were the two good ones. Also Season 5, but he was more annoying than ever in that, only rescued by the presence of Violet. Season 4's two-part ending installment he failed to quite carry, so all this prelude was a gamble none of us were really willing to bet our stakes on. As it was he turned out pretty un-annoying, soon venturing off to find out wtf's happened to his fam. First peeps he sees are Archie and Pongo, who are less than thrilled with his questions.

"What the Black Fairy's curse do?" "Christ u reli r a dumb little midget fuck."

Seems the curse reset Storybrooke to its old S1-ness, minus our heroes, and Archie was unimpressed that Henry seemed to be back under his old delusions. Soon the young man asked where his mom was. Archie replied that he knows exactly where Emma is, but it's kinda weird that he didn't just automatically assume that he was talking about Fiona. Anyway, apparently Emma's in the same place she's been for the last 2 years, which means she got locked up at like some point during Season 3 maybe yolo.

It's this whack-ass scene wot dunnit.

In the mental hospital, where Emma's been residing, she was seen painting a rather lovely swan, but the whole "nuthouse" vibe was done way better by the premiere of Wonderland. Still, fun to see Emma as a mental patient I guess, not that Buffy 6.17 didn't already cover that, and Nurse Ratched came and got her to see her visitor: Henry. This was a sneak peek, and so my attention was limited, especially considering they rambled on for legit the next four minutes that were left of Act 1.

"You're cursed." "Nah I ain't."

That was about the sum of it. Still, all the S1 throwbacks to the apple turnover and such were nice, though I wonder what Emma thinks that thing was actually poisoned with, and who administered said poison. Obviously she doesn't think Fiona did. Meh though, there are lots of details about this new setup which are questionable, but "Your questions are pointless" and it is a curse after all, so I guess that leaves everything at least kinda hazy. I've already indirected the summation of this scene, and that's that Fiona is Henry's new mummy. His fourth one, in fact. One for each curse. And Fiona got all huffy about seeing the storybook in her adoptive son's possession.

"I'mma burn this shit Nazi-style."

Not actually too far from her original plan. And, as a side-note, wouldn't it have been cute to see Fiona -- or any villain at any given time really -- as like the militant Nazi ruler of Storybrooke, controlling everyone through fear with big black-and-white-and-red posters of themselves put up all over town and the seven dwarfs goosestepping down Main Street? Think I wanted the Black Fairy (who at the time, I wanted to be the Blue Fairy) to do that while all the heroes were down in the Underworld in 5B. As it was, she was never shady after all -- but ya'll know she did shit to unconscious Rumple when she was so desperate to be alone with him in 5.01!!

"I'm kinky, not shady, there's a diff."

Fair. Act 1 eventually ended with Mayor Fiona Trump telling Emma that it was time to take her medicine. Emma then responded with the blankest of all stares.

"Take your pills, bitch." "But I'm not so very good at swallowing." "At last, your flaws."

She did in the end though, because she's only able to really push herself when she has a woman encouraging her, and the second act began with yet another sneak peek. A shot of Snow lying flat on her back asleep which I guess was meant to trigger our glass coffin memories of her, but it was kinda awks cos Prince Neal was just sorta on top of her.

*whose kid is this ???*

Poor child hasn't been referenced by name since 6.07. These eps collectively mark his 4th and 5th appearances this year. Oh boy. Or girl. Let's face it, they probably never actually checked. Everyone then woke up at the site of Snowing's wedding and we had the same B-plot crew as last year's finale only with a different Mills sister, and this year it didn't feel entirely as though it legit coulda just been any 4 given characters, so good. They were also in their old outfits and Hook, the trigger-queen that he is nowadays, quickly began shouting out for Emma. Regina was all, "she's gone", but that didn't stop her from shouting out for Henry a few mins later; like, he prob woulda came when he heard "Emma" tbh bitch ur wasting precious seconds of airing time. Hook was the more annoying though because he was asking really lame questions and being surprised by legit everything.

"This is... our palace." "Say what now no fuckin' way omg really tho?legit?? :O:O"

Snow assured a panicked Regina that curses have never ripped this family apart before, and they'll get Emma and Henry back wherever they may be, for I am the lord of the dance, said he. And back in Storybrooke, Emma was being pestered some by Archie and Fiona. The latter wanted to check up on her fave crazy resident who was suspicious of her interests. Fiona responded by grabbin' a chair and crossin' her legs all the way up to her stomach.

"Es wahr ser gut, Mein Herr, und vorbei."

The German ties in well with the whole Nazi angle I was pushing earlier, and this is where she herself starts to push it by legitimately suggesting a book-burning in order to finally vanquish Emma's old insanity. After all, thanks to her, she has a 14-year-old boy who still believes in fairytales, and HA does Henry being 14 line up with anything at all? Who knows. Certainly not me and certainly not the writers, but he's been looking about ready to start looking at colleges since that time he became the Author and, well, now he's TWD's Gareth so let's not dwell. Archie will be holding onto the book until such a time that Emma can bring herself to destroy it, and Fiona gloats into a mirror about how she'll be remaining locked up until said time.

"Or u cud just smash this n slit ur wrists w/ the shards, ur call."

Despite there being no Sidney anywhere, the heroes were all watching this through the Magic Mirror back in Regina's palace, where I guess they decided to head to from the Charmings' castle because... well, it's better ig. And because she has magic mirrors, I suppose. But even though they must have been viewing that interaction for a while, they still waited like a good delayed five seconds for when the Black Fairy went off"screen" to all collectively shout "Emma!" as though in shock. Like a black family at a movie theater.

"Don't go in there! I said don't' go in there!!"

Oh the calamity those heroes do purvey. Regina then said "that bitch..." because it was so impactful when she sang the word in the previous ep, and then there was a whole thing about how the final battle isn't a war like how they thought it was going to be - it's a battle for Emma's soul. Her belief. Her hope. Which yeah whatever but it still woulda been fun to watch Emma and Fiona blast each other around Main Street. Shame OUaT completely and utterly fails at action. Esp. magic action.

"It's hard to fight when you look this tacky."

Zelena then strolled on in and for some reason everyone was all mad at her for existing. Hook demanded to know what she was doing there and Charming questioned why she would escape her own realm and basically, okay, Oz is dying and Jefferson has multiple hats which we never saw before because we never needed to. Though, if he apparently made the hats, being a hatter, then why the fuck did he drive himself MAD trying to make one to go home from Wonderland? Especially when he coulda just kidnapped the Rabbit come to think of it. Ahahahahaha, this show. But yeah it was cool seeing the Hall of Doors for the first time since 1.17.

"I prefer pointy hats tho." "Yh and I prefer pointy genitals."

Captain Charming even get an adventure later but that has to wait because all the realms are dying -- and soon so will everyone in them! Oz has become a black abyss, meaning both Ruby and Dorothy are legit no longer existent for the matter of hours over which this double-episode takes place (enough hours for Emma to drive back and forth to Boston, and for Charming and Hook to scale up and down a beanstalk beforehand).

"There go the only lesbians in all the realms..." "Hey..."

So many closet cases in this B-band. But yeah, Emma's faith dying means the realms of story are dying too, and that's where Act 2 closes up shop. Only ten more left. Kill me? The third starts with Fiona going to visit Gold & Son, and from there Rumple seems to take to opening like every other damn act the finale has to offer. Fiona's there to have her watch fixed, and deliver Gideon his fave oatmeal raisin cookies, and things like "oatmeal raisin cookies" eating up dialogue time in a series finale legit stresses me out kinda. This time of year's difficult for Gold with Belle gone, since it's their anniversary 'n' all, though I'm sure if we actually tried to count the in-universe years back to 3.22 we'd fail miserably. Henry's 14 after all.

"Hard to believe my wedding look's the best of the show, huh?" "If only I'd worn one of you in 5.11, we wouldn't be in this mess."

Of course Belle was going to be missing Part 1 though, because that's who she is, and back in the hat we got mention of Arendelle because of course we can't wrap up (see above pics) the series (oh but we aren't though...) without paying homage to the arc which made us never able to take it seriously ever again. Zelena wanted to know how far this nightmare was spreading, and all was answered via an appearance from our two favorite seasonal characters who themselves are nightmares, as are their outfits.

"Hi there." "Oh so it's actually ISIS doing this."

Since the hat can't take them to a world without magic, Hook has an idea as to how they can get there, but because he and Regina have a totally unfounded rivalry (hehe, yeh right), she shoots him down and teleports everyone back up to her palace instead. Was lol watching everyone plop down and be all scared, and then Hook fucked on off to carry out his own plan. Cut to a Captain Swan throwback as Emma does pull-ups in her cell, very 3.01.

"Lol I'm just so str8."

And then Henry arrives to bust her out, and she wasn't exactly thrilled.

"Aw man, kid, I thought u were Big Boo."

She eventually went out though on Operation Cuckoo's Nest -- oh, cos it's fulla cuckoo crazy people, is that why that book is called that? -- and back in the forest we had yet another Captain Swan throwback as Hook approached the beanstalk. He was all, "Bloody hell, it's taller than I remembered," which probably links back to his own inadequacies.

"..."

They decided to muddy the Captain Swan romance of it all though by making it a Captain Charming adventure instead, as earlier stated, for David had caught wind from some munchkins where his true love/son-in-law was headed. Hook ends up going on some crazy speech about how he and Emma weren't exactly love at first sight but they fought for their love and made each other better. HAHAHA! They legit made each other so much worse. Hook was only good as a villain and Emma was only good back when she was... well, interesting. And not a bubbly faggot.

Upgrade ??

I Tweeted it once and I'll say it again: she should've slit his throat when she had the chance. Now, though, he's off having a romantic adventure up a beanstalk with her father -- throwback to when you needed the magic cuffs to climb it, but now legit everyone has those cuffs in every realm and they just universally stop magic -- while she's led to the tacky rooftop where she and Hook got married by Henry. She looked very pretty with her red leather jacket and her hair down, but couldn't quite believe that she'd married Captain Hook. That is, until she stood up on the alter platform thing and began to receive flashes of the wedding itself.

"But who was that blonde bitch in the ugly dress?"

I'm sure she's glad she was able to forget it, honestly. In fact, that dress scared her so damn much she was ready to up and leave Storybrooke right there and then, not a second to waste. Henry shadily agreed to help her, for reasons that I can't quite even recall at this moment in time, and this is where Act 3 ends. So I'm a quarter of my way through this thing. Jesus Christ. I've sorta hit the wall now writing this thing, so forgive me if it gets a tad lazier. But also, yunno, you fuckin write it.

So, the fourth act begins with Rumple scouring his shop for Belle's copy of Her Handsome Hero, and he actually manages to find it even though it was completely obliterated by a gigantic spider five episodes ago. This is where Belle manages to get a Part 1 appearance -- just -- by being the first of three people over the course of this finale to provide a voice-over played to a piece of writing that it would honestly probably be easier to read in most cases. I mean, this one I read those five episodes ago when it last appeared, but still I'm glad that Emilie managed to scrounge an appearance. Even if it was a black one.

#HereInSpirit.

Kind of a trend, though. Belle being mentioned in 6b more than she actually appears. I mean, she was stated to be the grand reason behind Gideon's latent goodness I don't know how many times, but the amount of scenes she actually shared with him? About 3, I think. None alone.

"They don't really let me alone with him since the kiss."

Ironic that she should get a black appearance for this ep, because she's also been turned into a black dad, having gone to the store while Gideon was a baby and never returned. I guess that means that, to Gideon's view, Rumple was Emilie de Ravin's current age when he was conceived 28 years ago. Hehe, doesn't it freak you out when you really think about all the age gaps/lack of age gaps on this show? It's trained us all to view it as normal. No longer do we bat an eye at the likes of Snow and Charming being Emma's parents despite also being the same age as her, or Fiona being Rumple's mother despite being a decade or more his junior. But the writers had some fun here tarnishing Belle's good name by handing her the same backstory as Nelson Muntz's father. Perhaps she too joined the circus and had peanuts thrown at her face.

(x

Back in EF and Regina's busy concocting something to help get back to SB. With Zelena being dressed as a witch, I kinda forget she no longer has any magic. Also, this scene continued S6's long obsession with naming magical ingredients. Bit o' lizard horn in this case. We've also tongue of newt recently -- not eye, tongue -- and then there was that shit back in 6.07 that had Hook all, "You kiss me with that mouth." God Hook's lines make me cringe, and Colin was chatting in the special about how he always gets good one-liners. Honestly most of Hook's lines I can't help but repeat to myself in Spongebob-meme voice. Like that's just how they sound to me. ANYWAY (have I even abused that much yet?), the lizard horn was missing which meant someone's been squatting in Regina's house... and they're still there. As it turns out though, it's the Evil Queen come back to party, and how lovely it was to see her again for the last (cri, I wish) harrah. Also, lol at how she pointed out the flaws in her "happy" ending in 6.14. Although that gives the earlier part of my review less gravitas. OUaT, can you stop pointing out your own flaws plz thx.

"Coulda warned me there's a Henry there who can't act." "Well we got one at home too."

Haha, A&E acknowledged his stellar acting in their goodbyes. One last joke from them to us. 'Cause we all know how great they are at comic relief.

"We such good writers."

See I'm laughing already. Anyway, Zelena asked where Robin was at, and she replied that he's "out in firejfsah". Yeah I couldn't make sense of that word. But basically they're still happy together and he's, like, out front parking the horses or whatever. If only the Desperate Housewives finale had thought to be that creative with their Robin. The one thing this finale has over that one now.

"Ready for a new adventure?"

OMG imagine if the EQ turned around at the end to see that. Woulda been my fave ending. Anyway (here we go), a whole thing about them having a fairy problem and Queenie bein' all, "Do tell." In Storybrooke, someone called Fiona with some shocking, awful news.

"What do you mean there's a Season 7?!"

Emma has escaped, and Henry's now going after the book in Archie's office. Fiona heads him off, and makes clear that there's no need to pretend not to be awake around her. He's useful to her because he's necessary in her plan to get the savior to stop believing entirely, and it seems she's the black dad now. Or the black son, rather, as she pulls a Caleb and pushes Henry down the stairs.

How will Lucy survive?!

But despite her best efforts to destroy that worthless future arc, Henry was taken away with nothing but, like, a sprained arm or something. Still, how deliciously soapy, and there was something legitimately satisfying about watching Jared tumble to his doom down a flight of stairs honestly. Ultimately it was forewarned back in 1.04.

"Told you not to leave ur shoes on the stairs u lil shit."

Aaaaaaaaaand I only just got that that was a Cinderella reference. Lol? Fiona started faux fretting to Gold outside as Henry was fucked off on a gurney, and she suggested chatting about whatever it is he wants to discuss later over her infamous black pudding.

"That's a dessert, right?"

I honestly believe they thought that when they wrote it, ngl. But Gold wanted Fiona to reopen the investigation into Belle's disappearance, with the excuse Gideon needs to move past it n shit.

"Where she at, doe?" "Lez jus say Henry aint the only bitch Ive flung down sum stairs."

The Captain Charming adventure continues as Hook and David have now made it to the top of the beanstalk, and yes I'm aware that I keep flitting between tenses. The beans were probably on the big o'l giant's table, and Hook had yet another hilarious one-liner about how it shouldn't be a problem except for the fact that that's way up there and they're way down here.



Again, how I hear it. David thought the giants were all gone, but the fresh food indicates otherwise, and Hook's willing to bet some stayed. Literally, that's how they play it in this show. "But I thought this." "Well, apparently not. Oki?" Same with the Lost Boys earlier this half-season. They are just unafraid to go changing anything to suit whatever crap they're doing at the time, and it's an issue. One I was hoping I wouldn't have to be living with for much longer but BRING ON SEASON 7, AMIRITE?! Hook had to be the one to scale the table because while Emma is Charming's daughter, she's his wife, and Charming just agrees because the writers got bored.

"I'm gonna trust my son... in-law." "Thanks, daddy." "...in-law?" "Nope."

Hook then went across the obstacle course of food and eventually found the bean lying under a bell jar, and so used a giant cheese knife to smash his way to it. Unfortunately, this seems to wake the giants... or rather, the dragon, which was up there because... well, that was never explained. And the dragon was actually never seen again after this scene. They just sorta put it there so that the finale featured a dragon, ig. The albino version of Maleficent's design.

"Speaking of daddies..."

That's how she shifted races as she aged. Hey, was the dragon the one eating all that food? And why was Hook all "don't tell me you're afraid of a little fire" like who the fuck isn't? It's fire man. That's what makes dragons so scary, no? We haven't seen Snow in a while. That's sad. She's just... away caring for Neal. In the series finale, she decided to look after her son for the very first time. Beautiful, in a way.

"Srsly where'd this worm come from I'm tryna nap."

As the final act of Part 1 begins, Fiona hands Gold a file containing info on where Belle's been all this time, and it's pretty hilarious. Turns out she's been travelling the world alone, not ageing since the day she abandoned Gideon, asking any old strangers she meets at various landmarks to take pics of her in front of them. I don't think these really need captioning because they're hilarious unto themselves to be honest.



Selfie game is strong. Hunni's got elbow's down to her wrists. And since Belle never did actually leave to go see the world at the end of this finale, at least we finally got to see what it looks like -- a half-assed Photoshop job is what. So half-assed Gold can't bring himself to look at them another second. Fiona then puts the blame on him; after all, Belle left because he could never be the man he wanted her to be, and now she's off selling her body to strangers in youth hostels for cheap plane tickets. The kind of life Rumple could just never give.

"It's ok I mean she probably has the clap by now."

He couldn't take this, so left, and then Fiona started feeling up Henry's book and discovered the page with all the runes he scribbled out inside. It intrigued her deeply.

The secret to the final battle.

I mean I bet the writers couldn't figure it out. Then Emma was brought to Henry in hospital, and I feel as though we haven't seen her in quite the while. She missed Act 5. Maybe Act 4 as well. Think the last she appeared was the end of Act 3 atop that garish roof. Tsk, tsk. Jennifer Morrison was prob just tryna sneak off set with as many knickknacks as her red leather pockets could carry.

"I just wanna go, ffs."

Henry insists that Fiona pushed him down the stairs, and she quickly disproves it by whipping out some security footage she pulled, which is a totally believable thing a worried mother woulda done right off the cuff in order to prove her innocence. The boy is just sah confused, and so it's time for the book burning to finally take place, for even touching the book didn't work.

"Touch it! Just touch it!" "I'm ur mother that's inappropriate." "The book doe!" "Ok I'm touching it now wot?" "Now me."

He's 14 after all and JMo's finally outta that ponytail. With the savior's belief wavering, the beanstalk got kinda shaky, as did the Queen's palace with so many people from so many different realms currently inside it that it looked like the Land of Untold Stories. Hehe, remember that? And hey, Zelena's clutching Baby Hood in this scene, that's now. Li'l bitch had done a disappearing act earlier. Wonder where she was found.

"Popped her in my hat for safety."

The final scene took place in like the cannery or some shit or wherever Storybrooke happens to have a furnace, and Emma did what we all knew she was eventually going to do because we saw it in the damn promo. She threw the book into the fire and it began to blow open as it burned away, landing on a page containing... *sigh* Hook. I mean I thought it was gonna be the iconic page of Snowing's wedding, but whatever. Hook. From 2.04 no less -- Emma's first absence. Still, I guess it was nice watching his face burn. And watching he and Charming dangle from a beanstalk. And watching stunt double Regina standing next to regular Regina as the apocalyptic cloud started drawing in. But yeah ultimately the end to Part 1 was Emma being all ;d to Hook on fire.

He's never looked hotter ;)

And onto Part 2. Fucking finally. Or rather,

In episode 6.22, "The Final Battle, Part 2", yeah moo OCD 'n' that. Ugh I'm only halfway through this and I've been writing it for like 4 hours. Hey apparently Robert Carlyle just unfollowed JMo. Ain't that funny? This ep begins with the words Once Upon a Time, fittingly enough, as the storybook we all know and love (I guess?) is clung onto by young Jane the Virgin. This won't even be the one we know and love cos that one just got burnt. Unless it's restored later, but I think that's the new one Henry's writing. Unless the one he's been toting around since 6.20 is in fact the one he's been writing, and not the original from early seasons? Idk the S5 finale muddied things with its unwelcome mythology additions really, which never even got the exploration they deserved becuase, well, Once Upon a Time.

*unimpressed*

Same, hon. But also, die for existing. She was standing at the scene if her daddy's death or whatever when Tiger Lily popped out and told her that she'd done her mission and kept the book safe and now she has to go and find her mother -- who isn't Violet. Sad. Will be some Latina, I guess. Or a black chick, 'cause this show doesn't exactly handle race logically. Heck, maybe her mother is Tiger Lily. Maybe Tiger Lily's the new main, the way Tinker Bell never could be. She's just replacing allll the fairies with her goddamn existence. I resent her a lot. Why is she even a fairy again? When that hoe get her wings back? Will we have to sit through an S7 Tiger Lily-centric? Heck, will we have to sit through an S7?

"I've been foreshadowing S7 all along with how fuckoff I am."

From future to present (how we even gonna handle these future appearances on the damn template? These are legit flash-forwards) as we are shown the original storybook (maybe?) burned to a crisp, served to Henry on a tray in hospital by a gloat-y Fiona. Why she doesn't then just use her magic to snap his neck, who knows, 'cause she very much could, but the important thing is the savior's now lost her belief and the rest of the truest believer's family soon shan't exist any longer. Also, maybe having a tray full of charred, burnt bits served up to him as food is what triggered his future self down such a dark path.

"Eat your blacks, young man." "If you insist."

The second present day scene of the finale features Charming and Hook, which, calling back to structure, just feels so damn unfitting. I mean, those irrelevant male love interests appearing before Emma or Snow or Regina. But whatever, 'cause they're still dangling for their lives off a beanstalk, with Hook having hilariously slipped the fuck off. And, 'cause they lovin' their throwbacks, they have him gain a weak, tearaway cuff just like in 3.21, and he even more hilariously just falls.

And the SwanQueeners among us did cheer.

Then the beanstalk itself moved, and Snow felt a little tug on her heart because David was in danger, and boy do I just love that. :3 Genuinely, it's really cute. She now knows the boys are in trouble but not where they are, and so Jasmine -- the blad-ass bitch -- steps in and offers to fly them to him on her carpet.

"Was gonna drop some bombs that way anyway."

Think they reused some CGI from the end of OW's finale teaser with Amara and Alice carrying Cyrus. Hey, didn't OW just do Aladdin so much better without even featuring he or Jasmine? And no I don't wish Alice was Jasmine, you gross fucks. Cos duh if anything she's Ali. Snow soon found the fallen beanstalk with Jasmine but uncovered the leaves only to find Hook, who was somehow still alive and entirely uninjured after that gigantic fall. He saw Snow and greeted, "Hello there, mommy," which Jasmine questioned and Snow was all yeah there was a wedding recently. Because apparently this show believes that when you marry someone, their parents actually become your parents?

"Is that so?"

Hook has the bean, but no David, and so Snow implores him to get to Emma and make her believe again while she goes looking.

"It's like reli super important that u do this." "U sure? Cos this show hasn't had any real stakes since like S2."

Finally we see Emma, and she's packing up her yellow bug for Boston. Henry, having discharged himself from hospital, tries his best to stop her, still in a sling, but she has no interest in listening to him any longer. This means the Black Fairy has won the final battle. The savior's soul is lost.

"It was already gone in the eyes of the Lord."

Carpet muncher 'n' all dat.

"You can have a chew on mine if you like."

But that's not the point, cos Act 1 ends with Emma driving on out of Storybrooke. Dun dun dun. If Henry slipped her a notebook during this time, I didn't see it, but oki. Act 2 begins back in Boston, with Emma stumbling on back into her apartment from the Pilot. It seems the writers don't really know how apartments, like, work. Granted I don't either, but I'm pretty sure if you, like, die, or just up and leave it without paying rent for legit years, they don't just leave it exactly as you left it and allow people to come and go as they please.

*first review throwback*

Like, they sell that shit on. And I doubt Neal was able to get a mortgage on his place. And Emma moved around a lot, so she wouldn't have one either. My point is, moo. Also, lol, 3.11/3.12 memories made her think this place burned away. This the third time she been with fake mems, and the second time this season. This show and its memory wipe fetish. It's a wonder half the characters don't have brain tumors the size of golf balls. Oh, maybe that's why they're all so damn dumb half the time?



That was fresh off a memory wipe. Ha, maybe the writers have had memory wipes too. Write what you know. Or in their case, don't know. But yeah Emma even still had her blue star candle lying on the counter and then saw the notebook that Henry had whipped up and slipped into her bag at some point earlier, complete with captions and illustrations -- talented kid. Annoying kid. Second of three people this finale to provide voice-over over writing. Emma got distracted though by a phone call whose voice I'm sure was a writer's or producer's or something we'll find out one day later for trivia, about a bail bonds job legit the minute she gets home. She agrees to take it, but doesn't bother gathering any details whatsoever, cos she's just that good. Or maybe she's just fucked up in the head from her two years in a mental hospital and misunderstood what the call even was.

"Uh, grey sweater and a red leather jacket, why?..."

She then began flicking through the sketches and they really spoke to her.

Why there an arm stickin' outta the sheet?

The Enchanted Forest was still crumbling, the clouds drawing nearer, and Regina is shocked to hear that Hook left Snow behind. It's okay cos she and David always find each other tho, and he has the bean... but it's kinda dead.

"Oops, sorry, that's my testicle."

Except Emma's lady balls are kinda in his purse, shame. Bean's all shrivelled cos Emma's lack of belief is sucking the magic outta everywhere, and Zelena gets like her two lines of the episode as she points out to her sister that she can combine magic with the Evil Queen and revitalize it. Make that one line. Guess there's another later, cos I counted when I rewatched this morning.

"I'm just grateful to be here, honestly."

She really was. :( Lol I despise Adam Horowitz so much. Cut to Snow epically running through the forest on her way to rescue her prince, only to find him half dead buried under a beanstalk. She then gets the idea to kiss him, in a moment interspersed with footage from the Pilot. This was drastically cheapened by the fact that it's already been done in 6.07, and also, I get that true love's kiss can break any curse, but revive you after you've fallen from a great height? Okay, whatever.

"If this kiss doesn't work, I'll bang you awake." "Oh look at that I'm up."

They then re-exchanged their lines from the Pilot, further cheapened that they already did this back in both 1.22 and 2.08, the latter with like this exact set-up but more sense to it, but whatever 'cause the finale's about throwbacks not sense. Haha, sense. A&E don't even know the meaning of the word. Semantics, after all. Good, though, that my baes got one last declaration of love and epic kiss before it was time to check out.

"That a beanstalk in your pocket, or--" "Yes."

Back in Storybrooke, arm-slinged Henry casually strolled into Gold's shop and headed for the backroom, assuring that he's no ordinary customer -- but Gold's grandson. He unveiled some magic his grandpa had been working on, revealing to us, the audience, that Rumple's been awake this whole time, but I feel as though we all already kinda knew that because yeah. Henry also just takes off his sling I guess cos his arm wasn't broken after all.

"Time to show off muh scars." "Wanna borrow my scissors?"

He needed Gold to help him rescue his family, but legit all Gold gives a shit about is finding Belle, and Henry said Belle's gonna have to wait.

"Srsly child, take the scissors."

And since Grandpa Stiltskin wasn't gonna be helping out, Henry asked to borrow two things: a magic mirror, to contact his family on the other side, and his other grandfather's old sword, for maximum 1.22 throwbackiness. He's decided to go battle the Black Fairy alone, and isn't that just a hilarious thought?

'''He so stands a chance. ^^'''

Regina and some others were indeed watching on the other side, and begin to panic, and Regina needs for her other half to get that bean working now. However, even with their combined magic, it's still gonna take time, which they don't have. Snowing then return, saying the magic apocalypse-y-ness is almost there, but Zelena stares out the window and says (that's her second line... and final one of the series lol) that that's an understatement, for it's already here.

"And so's your little dog, too."

The EQ can't stand the idea of Henry going up against Fiona alone though, and decides to buy Regina the others some time by sacrificing herself in a 2.22/3.11 throwback. It was a very sweet moment between Regina and her other half, if only they had the technology to make two Lanas kiss. Instead she channeled that pent-up sexual frustration into her magic.

Feminist power!!

Everyone else was huddling in the center of the courtyard, and this is where the finale felt legit scary and emotional tbh, with Regina desperately trying to revive the bean while the Queen was ultimately enveloped by the death smoke.

The patriarchy wins again.

The castle begins crumbling. Everyone's hugging. The smoke is gathering. The bean ain't ready. Muh heart, ts beating. Heck,

Muh hand, it shake.

The seriousness is somewhat sucked out of the moment by seeing Henry carry a sword though, cos he just looks kinda dumb, but it's really sad watching the floor crumble away and having Prince Neal cry uproariously in his parents' arms.

"Wait a second, this kid looks kinda familiar now..."

Regina and Zelena all close. Snow reaching out to join hands with her stepmother. All very emosh, guys. BUT THEN, as Henry walks into the halls of Town Hall, Emma appears beside him, having magically farted her way back from Boston in just the nick of time. She tells him how she's not the heroic woman he wrote about in that book of his, but that's who she wants to be.

"Lol then why'd you marry Hook?"

So, while she doesn't remember all that crazy stuff... she believes it. And that's enough to stop the fairytale apocalypse from reaching completion around our heroes. Having them stranded on the last spec of ground leftover was pretty cool too.

"Psst, David, think anyone'd notice us drop Neal off the edge?"

Everyone questions what happened, and Snow surmises that Emma is back. Aaaand I'm three quarters of the way through this thing. Slwoly but surely. I mean the jokes in the second half have most certainly declined in quality but oh well because onto Act 4 with Rumple using a locator spell on Her Handsome Hero to go find his wife in her new hermit house. This marks Belle's first real appearance in the finale, which, lol.

Peek-a-Belle.

Well I mean she never got to play it with her baby. It gets better, as Rumple heads inside and she lolably hides behind the oven, her hundreds of cans of tomatoes sitting atop, a crazed wreck of a human being. Seriously though the shot of Rumple walking into the kitchen with her all ovenside and whatnot legit looks like a budget game of hide-and-seek.

"Ready or not, here I come." "Ik, ik, 'if only I'd said that in 5.11'."

So Belle's just reliving all the childhood mems she missed with Gideon really, but she's a sore fuckin loser so she soon went to go hide in the bedroom, wondering how this strange man in her home seems to know her name.

"What else do you know about me?" "Not much tbh, you never really were a character."

Which reminds me, it's the Billboard awards soon. He promises that this isn't who she truly is, so very 2.16, and that he'll make the Black Fairy pay for doing this to her. Cue her heading into Gold & Son to find her fairy wand, much to Gideon's confusion, and it turns out she still has his heart. Er nerrr. Wonder wtf it is they put back in him in 6.19. Does anything happen if some rando heart goes into you? Think the other person dies some, like Henry in 3.09. Idk. Organ transplants for magical people must be nice 'n' simple though.

"Plz transplant me a testicle then thnx."

She needs her wand to transcribe the runes that Henry scribbled, and honestly I'm losing track of the order that half these events happened in. Eventually, though, Gideon finds it, and finally the key to winning the final battle is unearthed.

"Six seasons, that's it!"

Adfgdwsdhjnehgds!!! She then tells Gideon it's time to go to work, while Emma barges on into her office, big ol' sword in tow, to find that no one's there.

"Big sword doesn't always help, huh now?"

Gold then came into the shop and Fiona pocketed her wand; she tried to act natch but he soon @'d her as "mother", and she was all *sigh* ofc. We don't know why Gold even remembers, but let's just say it's cos he has the power of all Dark Ones, cos I cba to think about it much and neither can the writers. She tries assuring him she separated him from Belle for his own good, and @'s her as a terrible wife, always convincing Rumple against his dark, dirty impulses.

"If only I'd done that--" "Yeah, yeah."

Fiona makes a last-ditch effort to get Rumple to join her side, trying to tempt him with the idea that she'll be able to raise the dead -- side-note, her plan was to gain new powers beyond the laws of magic, apparently; they legit threw her endgame into her final scene lol -- and that includes Baelfire. Rumple seems enticed by the idea of her magic enabling them to have to all... but magic always comes with a price. And he grabs that hoe's wand and floors her with it.

"One wrong move, and this thing goes up your hairy li'l--"

No cars today though. Fiona explains the rest of what the runes told her -- that only light can snuff out the light, and so she's ordered Gideon on an unstoppable quest to kill the savior. Her own death will only ensure the command be carried out to completion... but there's only one way to find that out for sure.

"Avada Kedavra!"

R. I. P.

"It's raining mom. Halle-fuckin'-lujah."

And guess what? Her death causes the curse to break! Wonder if obliterating Regina in S1 woulda done that. Or Snow in 3b. Hey, Ginnifer Goodwin said in an interview that the breaking of this curse would be like super extra pure like back in S1 -- guess she's a dark li'l bitch, huh? True love's kiss to brutal magical murder. Ain't life fun. But a burst of true... death was unleashed throughout the town, as well as the Enchanted Forest, teleporting all our heroes back to their rightful place.

"Does this mean those terrorists are coming back with us to SB?"

Just don't let them near the clock tower, you'll be fine. It hit Emma in town hall, and suddenly she remembered.

"Holy fuck did I really marry Hook?"

But then Gideon stepped into play, and it's no wonder Emma catches the suicide bug a li'l later. She tells Henry to go, and it's on to the final two acts. The final battle hath begun.

"Well it's about fuckin' time, dearie."

Meanwhile Henry was in desperate need of Henry and his li'l Apprentice's broom as Fiona's remains still littered the floor of the shop, and Belle came bursting in all worried with her memories intact. I wonder if the place is still called Gold & Son. Or if any other defects from the Black Fairy's curse are still in effect. Belle doesn't really much care that Rumple murdered another parent, only wanting to know where Gideon is, and Rumple decides to phone up his grandson in order to ask.

"K phoning Henry's kinda my thing but whatever."

Gideon's advancing on Emma in the mayoral office, and Henry ain't picking up his phone cos he's too busy knocking out his uncle with a fire hydrant.

"Gnight, bitch!" "Henry, you can't just do that to a white person! :o"

She is technically a cop, after all. They dash out of the office and protection spell the door because 4.10 throwback, but Henry knows that all's gonna be fine because apparently Gold did manage to call him after all. Gold himself, meanwhile, goes excavating the mines with Belle. He suspects that -- if he knows his mother as well as he apparently does -- this is where she'd have been keeping Gideon's heart. And, like, he didn't suspect that back in 6.19 when he went on a whole dream mission to try and uncover its location? WHATEVER. Wasn't too much time to think about it because Belle suddenly TWISTED HER ANKLE.

"HOLY SHIT WHO PUT THAT THIN AIR THERE?!!"

In her final episode, they decided to re Belle's lummoxness. It's a testament to what poor writers A&E truly are that this was the best way they could think up to remove Belle from Rumple's upcoming self-talk scene, but whatever because that's nothing new really. Just quite annoying that that mundane little obstacle is present in the finale. Coulda had some magical barrier that prevented mere mortals entering, idfk. Gimme time and I could think of summit better, is what I'm saying. Bitch wouldn't even let Rumple take the five seconds it woulda taken to heal it; like it probably took even longer to say all the shit she said to convince him to leave. Not that he hasn't semi-been tryna escape her all this time.

"Go on without me, go!" "Okay, bye." "I'm serious! Go! Leave me here!" "Girl I am already gone."

The battle is then moved out to Main Street and... FFS! WHILE RUNNING FOR HER LIFE, EMMA STOPPED TO PUT ON A FUCKING BEANIE HAT! ASDFGHHGSFBNCBVGETFWDYS!!!!!!!!1111 She had to ruin her pretty look for the finale, didn't she? Where does this bitch continually sprout these accessories? Does she have the same hole in her head that Black Beard uses for beans? Arggh!! I'm not a huge fan of her hats, is my point.

'''"Where'd that hat come from?" "Same place you did, kid."'''

Emma apologizes for not having believed Henry, but he says it's okay cos it was just the curse and now it's broken. "We are too," says Snow White as she and the other heroes emerge, all once again dressed in the clothes they wore to the wedding, but with coats. Wonder if it's weird for Snow and Regina to just have their hair grow and shrink like that. Wonder if their pubes move around too, because I'm disgusting and that's just generally the kinda thing I think about. At least now. I mean, I kinda can't stop thinking about it. They don't have razors in the Enchanted Forest. Oh my God when Snow was a bandit out in the woods she musta had a muff like fuckin' Rapunzel...

"You rang?" "Okay, Henry, her you can hit."

Happy reunions all round. Emma with her parents. Henry with Regina. Zelena... sorta stands there. And then Captain Swan. "Some honeymoon, huh?" "sOmE HOneymOoN, huH?!" That was actually an Emma line, but still. Lol that that's pretty much the only screentime they even share this episode though, plus a small segment at the end. No wonder this finale was, like, good.

Zelena kinda makes this scene though.

Down in the caves, Rumple looked around at various objects before settling on the massive, fuckoff obvious treasure chest right in the center of everything. Which, lo and behold, contained a box with a heart in it. Gideon's heart, no doubt. This is while Henry explains to the fam that Gideon was left with one final command -- to kill Emma no matter what (a lot of this finale is repeating stuff I feel) -- and Hook's all, "Then we'll kill him!" Die, maybe?? Jumping straight to that? Thank you, Regina, for pointing out that that would mean that light would still lose, for Emma would be darkening herself. She speaks from experience because she went through pretty much the exact same situation at the start of the year.



She needs Emma to find a third way, as heroes always do, but Emma is unsure, and so Regina legit drags her away from Hook -- who would have her gut all Belle's babies if necessary -- in order to talk some damn sense into her. This is when Swan Queen got more screentime together in the finale, in one of the more relevant scenes too, than Captain Swan, and that's rather lovely. And Regina didn't even say "Guyliner" or anything, praise de lord.

"Should we just start an affair already?" "I've been married less than a day. Yes please."

God those two should kiss. More than anyone ever should kiss. Now that Jennifer's no longer involved with OUaT and freed from dumb contract clauses that legit prohibit such things, can she please just kiss Lana at a fan convention or something? I honestly believe it would improve the quality of life of a lot of people.

"Ik it'd make me feel better."

Go away, Lily Sparks. I used to wanna be you, in terms of the job you had, but now I've been at this for seven hours and I kinda just want death. After Regina's hope speech, Gideon showed up and almost sliced Snow's throat with his sword.

"Thought 6b's kink was gone, didja?"

David then called him a son of a bitch, which is very rude to Belle, but I believe she took a dump on his sheriff's desk after he ruded her in 6.11 so ig that's just their relationship now. Not to mention he's the one who delivered her her tape. But, Rumple didn't commit suicide after all, and as Snow is let go and Emma and Gideon prepare to fight out their destiny battle minus the pointless fated sword thing, the Dark One is still down in the cave fawning over his son's heart. "There's your heart, Gideon. Now let's save you. And stop you." He said aloud, because yeah the audience is too dumb to just figure that. I'm not being sarcastic, they really are. And then helloooo Rumplevision. Because they needed to have Rumplestiltskin in all his makeup one final time, really. And then it was just Robert Carlyle talking to himself for a scene.

"Renew your contract, dearie." "But this show's so bad though." "But it's a steady paycheck." "But I can't look my serious actor friends in the eye." "Steady. Pay. Check." "... You make some good points."

Ultimately Rumple decided to finally do the right thing and command Gideon against killing Emma (the wrong thing, if you ask me), but, thanks to the Black Fairy's spell, that didn't quite work. Up above (up aboooooooove), shit was about to go down, and Emma, like, talked a lot while clashing blades with Gideon. Can't quite hear what she was, and can't quite care either.

"I am woman, hear me bore."

Eventually she realized that she must do what all saviors do and give hope no matter what the cost, throwing her sword to the ground. She's been praying for this moment ever since she said "I do", and then it happens. Gideon apologizes, and then finally he thrusts his sword on into her. He also fought the whole fight in a suit cos he's classy like that. But yeah Emma dies the end bye. Exceeeeept a bunch of light magic shit is then expelled from her wound, and makes a buncha crazy shit happen.

"I found my soul."

Everyone was horrified as Emma floated up 'n' died and what have you, it was like a really emotional scene.



Right, right, this show steals everything. In the caves, Belle was still busy making it all about her and soothing that horrible TWISTED ANKLE of hers when Rumple returned a failure, Gideon's unlit heart in tow. No fresh batteries for their son's rubber prop, and Belle was v sad as she struggled to walk. Also sad? (I felt like the JtV narrator just then), Emma's family as they go rushing towards her. BUT IT'S ALL OKAY! Because not only can true love's kiss revive you from a fall, but it can also heal stab wounds in your gut! Henry plants his lips on mommy's forehead and she wakes on up. All's well. :3

"Who tf is grabbin my ass?"

"Sorry, Hook, that's me," said David, and they all lived happily ever after. Even Rumbelle, who were bestowed with new baby Gideon down below! I was so hoping that would happen. Well, I was hoping Blue would do it. And I was hoping Belle would take her baby and go see the world with it. But shhhh, whatever. It was all still very cute. The Rumbelle happy family. Plus they know their son is gonna grow up to be extra hot so, like, bonus.

"A fresh start... a happy ending." '"No... a happy beginning''." "Lol bitch you weren't even there for the song."

And with that, we are taken into the final act. Deep breaths everyone. Deeeeeep breaths. I've just had a sandwich. It's been quite a day. Well, it hasn't, because I've legit just been sat here typing this gigantic shitpost, but whatever. Act 6 begins with the storybook reviving, and I'm guessing it's the one that Henry's been writing considering the final page fills out, but also which one did Emma burn earlier? This one? Or was it the original storybook that's been facing its final chapter all this time? That seems unlikely. Idk. Which storybook is which confuses me deeply now. But yeah, very cutely, Snow was the one to pick it up and hand it to Henry, COS SHE WAS THE ONE WHO GAVE IT TO HIM ORIGINALLY AWWW!!! See, throwbacks are cute when they're not, like, contrived as all shit.

"When Good and Evil both did the right thing, faith was restored. The final battle was won." Was Rumple the Evil that did the right thing? Or Gideon? Idk. Idrc either. Yay, all that final battle bullshit is over! Not that there's no still more to the story ajajajajajajajjaja!!! But then Snow gives a really adorable speech about how they're not facing a happy ending, because an end isn't where happiness lies; happiness lies in being with the people you love, and they can all do that now in peace. She recalls a few old lines, including her main quote, and it's really just the Snow moment of the episode people. I'm very proud of my hunni.

"Lovely words, now for the luv of God grow ur hair out gurl."

We then got a montage of all the realms being restored, including cameo appearances from Sven, Tinker Belle, Aladdin and Jasmine and the re'd Evil Queen. No Oz though, because that has lesbians in it and so the Powers That Be decided to just ditch the whole realm entirely.

"I'm dead as far as we know."

How did Tink get back to Neverland? Who cares. It was just nice to have her there. And another callback to Frozen is just what was needed to really draw this thing to a close. Not to mention the mofo Caterpillar! Smokin' his hookah as her uje.

"Go do drugs, kids. They're awesome."

All really is well. (x

"A whole new world... for us to explode."

Hey, the Evil Queen gets to just rule the Enchanted Forest now. Good for her. She should probably get a new name.

Back in Storybrooke, and the Charmings have their very own li'l farmhouse! Complete with a welcome matt and three sets of Wellington boots.

"Hey, some kid left their boots on our porch??"

As Snow left to teach, David left to tend to the farm as a stay-at-home dad, with motherfuckin' Wilby in tow! This is the Charmings' happy ending at last, and it's really just very satisfying to see because this is essentially what's been fought for since the moment the show began. This is it.

"Have fun in Season 7, ya' losers!"

Swan Queen were also taking Henry to school together! Emma in her red polyester jacket, Violet leaning up against a tree waiting for her man. Who she does not end up with, because fuck you violently Adam Horowitz, but yeah in my mind they're endgame fuck off Purple Ink all the way.

"You'll always be my first handjob..."

Then Snow continued to teach the very same lesson she taught for 28 years straight, because she never actually trained to be a teacher and it's kinda all she knows. When those kids come to taking their LSATS, they're gonna think that the square root of Pi is bluebird, and who's Snow if not to mark that as correct.

"Storybrooke has no colleges anyway."

Then some shit wit Captain Swan being co-sheriffs and putting a cherry on their car. Moo. I know the term cherry cos of an episode of Friends I rewatched the other day. Well hopefully these two take a ride-along together and someone really does take a shot at them, only Emma don't dive. They head off with the siren on, so there must've been a crime, so SB ain't as idyllic as it seems. But we do get one last shot of SB's Main Street, clock tower standing proud, and it's pretty cute.

Regina arrives to work at the Mayoral office, and the dwarfs are there to greet her, having fucked the name Fiona off the door and re-replaced it with hers -- and the word "Queen". So Regina is Queen of Storybrooke now, and the dwarfs accept her as such, bowing to her. This was a really cute part of the montage that I wasn't expecting. A nice ending for Regina's character. To be accepted and respected by all those who once feared her. Then she goes and stares at an apple.

[contrived lesbian metaphor]

I'm sure there's one there somewhere. I'm tired. Then we have the Evil Queen brushing her Evil Hair when an arrow flies into the mirror, bearing an engagement ring. A note from Robin, which Sean Maguire reads to us aloud, because they couldn't get him back for an actual appearance and as such decided to make it so that he's the one who got the final spoken line in the present day. EQ was pleased.

"I knew you'd be ready, baby."

Sigh, Katherine. And then "A Tale as Old as Time" started playing, and we got a scene that was much better than the entirety of the new Beauty and the Beast movie starring Emma What Son. Rumbelle had their first dance, finally in a place of compromise, and it was lovely.

'''"Let's do this every night." <3'''

And then a kiss, and then the grand family dinner that legit the entire series has been building towards. Throwback to that attempt at a funny line in 2.14 when David said it's a good job there's no Thanksgiving in their land cos that dinner would suck. That was an A&E write, and obv they are proven comical geniuses, but yeah this was just majorly cute. And how I envisioned part of my ending for Once Upon a Virus. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT! That may or may not be getting a revival at some point. Stay tuned. As for this, though, it was just lovely to see everyone dining happily together. Belle was so happy she tried eating a breadroll with a fork. Rumple and Zelena were just sat far apart from one another, 'cause yeah some wounds don't heal, and everyone sat awkwardly at one side of the table almost as though they knew they were posing for an illustration, Last Supper-style. But this was the happy ending we've been waiting for for six years. And for a moment, a shining, brief, beautiful moment... it was perfect.

The End.

I wish. Oh, how I wish. Every character is in such a lovely and ideal place, this truly is the series' natural end. The ending that's been put off for a good three seasons now just to stretch out crappy arcs, but here it is at long last. Was. I'm truly disheartened that the show got a renewal. Words cannot express my disappointment. This ending, I just love. And then... that photo became a drawing, in young Jane's storybook. She was on that blasted monorail from the title card and... well, there's some theory, from Jo, that they would've cut the final scene and 6.21 and 22's teasers had they not got a renewal and peppered out the ep with extra scenes such as Zelena and Baby Hood's happy ending within the montage... I wonder if, had that happened, they'd have cut that super annoying title card from 6.21. 'Cause yeah, that's technically the final title card of this narrative, since Part 1's always gets grafted onto Part 2's in syndication. I KNOW TITLE CARDS, OKAY?! But yeah, hey Lucy, I hate you already.

"Wait til Stitch hears about this!"

Ngl, I think I'd actually forgive S7 some is it was about aliens, lol. But yeah, she headed off to Seattle -- a brand new city for a brand new narrative -- and knocked on the door of apartment number 815, because of course. And who she answer but half her people's eater. It's Henry Mills! And Lucy introduces herself as his daughter. He then immediately states he has no daughter and tries shutting the door on her, which, HA! As if you'd just do that to some little girl lost in the city alone. Henry, you're a terribly irresponsible adult.

"Ig she could make good eatin'."

She then told him that his family was in danger! Anyone else think she seems kinda shady af tho? Idk, just some of the looks she gives... To be honest, even with no Season 7 I could accept this as the series' end. It's like Desperate Housewives and Jennifer -- there's always a mystery on Wisteria Lane. In the world of Once Upon a Time, there's always parental abandonment and a crisis to do with family. Full circle. But then there are the opening scenes of these two finale eps, which just have no context and make no sense. And I guess we'll have to wait and see to find out how Henry and Lucy get from one situation to the next, only I don't want to wait and see because fuck off this finale was perfect and you've ruined it! I mean I stand by that some of what this finale purveyed could have been delivered in a more interesting way, but the ending itself, I just love. So much. And for that, I am grateful. As for the next chapter of Once?

Burn it.

So, that was my review. I'm not sure it was particularly in-depth in terms of my opinion, just lots of jokes to pictures that got hard to make funny after like Act 3 of Part 1, but I did try my best in the end and that's... some of what counts. I'll take this opportunity to say goodbye to all the wonderful castmembers who are leaving us -- Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison, Josh Dallas... you all will be sorely missed. You made Once what it was back when it was something worth being anything. As for the people who are being pushed out the door, my condolences. Emilie de Ravin, you honestly became my mind's eye depiction of Belle. You brought life to someone who for a long time was my favorite character. I can't pinpoint exactly what I loved, but looking back at my old Tweets, I can say firmly that I loved it, and that's down to you. Rebecca Mader, you are hand to God one of the most talented actresses ever to grace network television, and you saved this show from its seasonal rot well into its senior years. You were what freshened the story past its prime. You brought genuine comedy and charisma and fun to the world of OUaT long after it seemed to die out. You loved the show. And the fans. And we loved you back. Truly. And Jared Gilmore... bye, I guess.

I give this show a lot of shit, and it deserves a lot of shit, but it has been a pretty big part of my life for whatever reason, and I'm kinda gonna miss this narrative and the characters in it. Although, where my vignette episode at? Lol there's so much useless shit you coulda cut from 6b I... Whatever. Deep breaths once more. Moving on. So, a final goodbye, and a final fuck you to Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz -- for never have those two words been more deserved by any two people.